Brave, Anyway

Tag: change

  • Home

    What makes a home is very simple: love and safety.

    Safety to be your whole self and to say anything, while knowing without a shadow of a doubt that you will always be unconditionally loved by the people there.

    It’s true when you’re 5 and when you’re 75.

    Home can be a house, apartment, tent, car, aisle in Target, and even in a phone call. It’s about the space you’re in with another person or other people.

    It’s not about bricks or walls or appliances or decorations.

    If you don’t have love and safety, you are in a place called a building or a dwelling or a house – you are not in a home.

    If you don’t have love and safety, you are not home.

  • How To Be A Good American

    How To Be A Good American

    July 4 has me thinking about what it means to be a good American, and all my paths of thought seem to end with people who are really disappointing right now. It’s not that hard to be a good citizen, to be a good American, to be a good human. So why are we having so much trouble?

    When you bump into someone, say you’re sorry. Even if the other person is grumbling or glaring at you, you say you’re sorry because you did the bumping. You never ever pull out a gun, or point your gun at children. And you never ever make excuses for that sort of behavior.

    Don’t say All Lives Matter. I’m giving most people the benefit of the doubt here and just assuming you don’t realize how awful that statement really is, but let me be clear: no matter how you try and spin it, you’re showing your rear-end when these words come out of your mouth. All lives don’t currently matter equally, and they never have in this country, which is why the statement Black Lives Matter is important. It’s not a statement that white lives or police lives matter less, it’s not a statement that you endorse people who riot, and it’s not even a statement that you believe in protesting or civil disobedience. It’s a statement of love for your neighbor, and of recognition of wrongs.

    Examine the roots of why you believe strongly in the things you do, and if there are inconsistencies or things that are downright wrong in your heart about your beliefs. Do you believe that good Americans or good people don’t publicly question the President or leadership? That good Americans don’t protest? That good Americans, good people, are from one political party or another? Because those things are not rooted in our founding or declaration at all, and while we’re at it they are also not rooted biblically. Do you think because there are people in your life that you love that are not like you that you don’t harbor any racist or hateful thoughts or feelings or versions of history? That’s a lie. We all have some learning to do and some work to do. We have to commit to understanding our inconsistencies and our convenient little lies, to ourselves and to others, and to the work to do better. And we need to understand that until we do, all our arguments to convince people we’re right are falling on the deaf ears of people who know we don’t have our act together.

    There are no white people in the Bible.

    Stop fighting over symbols of hate and inequity and injustice, and recognize instead HOW MANY OF THEM EXIST. Our land – our hearts and minds – are literally filled with symbols of racism. Statues and mascots and team names and confederate flags. Even people who don’t want to take them down or change them acknowledge what they are, and they argue not to take them down or make changes on the basis that they are historical or because those men were veterans. Symbols of oppression and hatred, even if they are a part of our history and even if they are of people who fought in a war and even if you believe the original meaning to some people may have been something else, cannot be glorified in public places as if the men and symbols were or are great.

    Wear a mask when you’re in a public place. It’s not a sign of oppression, or that you’re a snowflake, or that you don’t believe in God enough for protection and healing. The vast majority of you are wearing seatbelts and getting vaccinated for polio so just stop with the I have rights on this topic. No one wants to do it or likes to do it. It’s a pain in the butt for everyone. But the reality is that Covid numbers are the only way in which the south is rising again.

    Before you repost or post on social media, take 10 seconds to google for truth. Grandma Sandy from Topeka is not necessarily the most credible source of info on crime, history, who’s holding secret fundraisers for politicians, or voting laws in the state of Idaho. Stop spreading false information. It’s us, average American citizens, that are spreading the vast majority of fake news.

    People are so frustrating right now.

    We are so much better than this. We are so much smarter than this. And I refuse the notion that this land is filled with mostly selfish and crappy people.

    My company has been conducting town halls and small group discussions about all that’s happening in our world right now, and our moderator introduced the sessions with some really smart guidance that I think can apply in all sorts of situations.

    1. Assume positive intent from others when they say or do ignorant things.

    2. Take accountability for the impact of your words and actions, because you don’t get to choose how they impact others.

    3. In this time you may find yourself feeling uncomfortable. Ask yourself why and really think about it. Is it because you learned that what you used to think maybe isn’t totally true, that perhaps you have biases that you were not thoughtful about, that behavior or thoughts in your past when you didn’t know better make you feel ashamed?

    4. And above all, don’t hide from those thoughts and feelings – use them to change.

    Freedom means we have “the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.” That also means we have the freedom to see when we’re on the wrong path in an area and get on a new one. We are free to change our minds, change our thought patterns, change our behaviors, and change our tired old ways to be better.

    Maybe change is how we best display our commitment to America.

  • Masks

    Masks

    I’m always wearing a mask.

    My most important learning of the last week was in those five words, spoken by a woman I admire and look up to and care about.

    I’m always wearing a mask.

    My heart sank. How can that be? I work closely with this person, and am in multiple meetings with her each day. I think she knows – I assumed she knew – that everyone around her recognizes how smart she is and how capable she is and how funny she is and how dedicated to her job she is and what a wonderful person she is. And on and on and on I could go.

    She knows all that, although like all of us she likes to be told sometimes. The issue is that she can’t bring her whole self to lots of places because she’s worried about how that will be perceived. How she will be perceived.

    She must remain calm. She must hide strong emotions. She must temper what she says. She must do everything perfectly. She must overachieve.

    How exhausting must it be to live that way? To not be able to be yourself. To not be able to relax. To always hold back and hold in. And even worse – to have to watch others who don’t have to wear any masks live and laugh and react freely.

    Remember those Halloween masks from the seventies? Those plastic face coverings that were held in place by tight rubberband-like pieces around the back of your head. Comfortable breathing was impossible and after just a few minutes they were full of condensation and became uncomfortably stuck to areas of your face. At least in today’s COVID world, we have cloth masks made of soft fabrics, and still we hate them. They’re itchy and hot and stifling and we don’t feel like ourselves when we’re wearing them.

    This week I’ve been following the posts of a couple thousand women in a private Facebook group – women who are trying to have real dialogue about race and equity and love and hate and bias. I have not yet posted anything; I’m simply consuming and absorbing the content. These are things that are resonating most with me right now and as I process the words I’m always wearing a mask.

    And finally these words, the rules a nervous Mom has undoubtedly repeated to her son dozens and dozens of times. Rules such as:

    Don’t put your hands in your pockets.
    Don’t put your hoodie on.
    Check in with your people, it don’t matter even if you’re down the street.
    Don’t touch anything you’re not buying.
    Never leave the store without a receipt or bag, even if it’s just a pack of gum.
    Never leave the house without your ID.

    See the full video, originally a TikTok, here.

    My Momma heart is grieved as I think about the fear that other Mommas clearly live in.

    Exhausting is the word that keeps rattling around in my head. Fear is exhausting. Masks are exhausting. The list of rules this young man – millions of people – in this country live with is exhausting. Oppression is exhausting.

    The last few weeks have – or should have – forced all of us to ask questions about ourselves and the people in our lives. About what makes a good human. About what makes a good citizen. About what makes a good person of faith. About what makes a good American. About unjust laws and unjust systems and unjust humans. About why people must wear masks. About what I have said and done, or not said and not done, that has caused pain for another. About what I can do to create space where no masks are needed.

    I can’t fix everything, and I don’t even know how, but I can work on me. And as I’ve been thinking about that I’ve been humming an old song the last few days…

    Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me. Let there be peace on earth, the peace that was meant to be.

  • Thankfulness: Change Starts Small

    Thankfulness: Change Starts Small

    Gratitude is a choice. A choice we make each day, each hour, each minute. And I fail at it sometimes. I may not feel gratitude in this or any specific moment, but I am still capable of choosing what I want my mind to focus on and expressing gratitude.

    Today I am grateful for mornings that feel like fall, and I’m reminded by one of my trees that change starts small. There may be only one leaf changing so far, but the leaf leading the way is the most beautiful one on the tree.

  • First Day of School

    First Day of School

    It’s the first day of school and I’m up before the sun, hours before any alarms go off, excited about your year ahead and praying for your year ahead.

    Each year of school brings so many new milestones, from new kinds of math to discoveries about yourself to lessons about people and relationships. As your understanding grows, the world gets bigger and bigger – the number of people and things you impact gets bigger and the number of people and things that impact you gets bigger.

    And so I pray for your growth, in height because I know that’s important to you and in knowledge, faith and spirit because that’s what’s most important to me.

    I pray for your protection, from all forces and people that would harm you physically, mentally or spiritually. And I pray for your discernment to recognize those bad forces that you’ll undoubtedly encounter, and that you will steer clear of them.

    I pray you’ll be intentional about your choices. That you won’t expect opportunities and jobs and friendships and relationships to just happen to you. Sometimes the things in your life that seem easy or seem to just fall in your lap are not right for you, and if you’re living intentionally you’ll see that they are distractions from your best choice and your best life.

    I pray that you’ll be intentional about your thought patterns and your peace. That you make choices to discard negative thoughts about yourself and others, that you seek friendships that add to your peace and positivity and joy and happiness, that you set boundaries to enable peace to thrive in your life, and that you actively hold on to your peace.

    I pray that you will not forget who you are and Whose you are. And that when you make choices that aren’t the best, that you never forget that you are always loved and forgiven.

    I pray you will be kind, to others and to yourself. Everyone you encounter each day struggles in some way, and I pray you will have empathy and patience and that you will see what God wants you to see in each person and in yourself.

    I pray that you will see you as God sees you.

    I pray that in the big scheme of things you will put greater focus on how things look on the inside of you than how your hair and makeup and outfit make the outside of you appear.

    I pray you will have fun. That you will enjoy your life, that you won’t take embarrassing things that happen too seriously, that you will find the funny in all things, and that you will make the fun when you or others are struggling to smile.

    I pray that you will love learning, and not just the stuff you’re going to read in books or online resources. I pray for your passion – that as your knowledge of subjects grows you’ll want to know more and more, that as your knowledge of the world grows you’ll want to go out into it more and more, and that as your knowledge of injustice grows you’ll want to act more and more.

    I pray you will surround yourselves with friends of all different kinds and perspectives. Kids who will introduce you to different kinds of thinking and music and art and play and faith. And I pray you will see the value in every single difference and person.

    I pray that you will not give up. You will sometimes want to, after a long hour or day or week, or when you’re halfway through a project and realize you need to start over. At those moments you’ll feel frustrated and you’ll cry, and maybe you’ll scream inside or have an actual shouty tantrum. It’s OK to embrace all those feelings and even to get sucked into them for a little while, but then I pray you’ll shake it off and get back to the task at hand or to simply living.

    I pray that wherever you are, you will always know that you can call me or text me to help you or to help your friends or to help your enemies. I pray that while you may fret that something will make me mad, that that fear will be overridden by the truth that I love you and I want what’s best for you. That the fear that something will make me disappointed will be overridden by the truth that nothing you do could make me not love you and that I have been in your shoes and have made the tough call you’re dreading to my own parents.

    And finally, on your first day of school I pray for me. That I will have the courage to face my fears and let you fly further. That I will give you just the right amount of space and room to grow. That I will not do too many things for you and I will allow and encourage you to do more yourself. That I will remember that most people and kids are good, and that you are not actually in danger the vast majority of the time. And that I will successfully resist the urge to smother you with kisses at the bus stop.

    I also pray that I will remember this day specifically. I’ll remember that Ella Facetimed with her best friend at 5:30 am so they could “get ready together.” I’ll remember that big-girl Audrey set out lipstick and perfume along with her shoes.

    And I pray I’ll remember that as I walked around the house turning off all the lights before going to work, I realized that girl bathrooms don’t change much with the generations – countertops are covered with makeup and hairspray and devices that are absolutely required for us to look just right for the day.