Brave, Anyway

Tag: choices

  • Natural Selection

    This meme is the absolute best thing I’ve seen since the protests to reopen states and businesses began.

    How can people be so selfish as to not care about others at all? How can people be so ignorant as to not understand that the risk is not just to themselves? How can people be so self-absorbed that they cannot consider people in cancer treatment or who have diabetes or even just the elderly members of their own family?

    Let’s be clear: no one wants to wear a mask or prefers to wear a mask. They are an inconvenience for everyone, and they impact everyone’s ability to breathe as comfortably as they normally do. But it’s for a short period of time and masks contribute to the greater good. We either want to be good citizens of the earth and our communities, or we just need to admit our selfishness.

    Sometimes it seems that humanity is just more and more filled with selfish and awful people, and you have to wonder if maybe thinning the herd isn’t the worst thing that could happen.

    It’s not Christ-like, and it’s mean. But it’s the truth about what runs around in my brain sometimes.

  • Good Humans in the Middle

    Good Humans in the Middle

    It’s Presidents’ Day, and this year we’re going to elect a President. As I’ve gotten older, our choice of leadership has seemed more and more important – not just because I think we chose so poorly last time, but also because 20 years ago I would have told you that I wasn’t sure all our votes were counted. I guess five key things have changed since those days:

    1. I became a mother, and now I feel the responsibility to do something about the world my girls live in.
    2. I have encountered children, including one of my own, who will be categorized as pre-existing condition when they reach adulthood and will desperately need health care after their parents can no longer cover them.
    3. I have seen first-hand how the privileged have access to better everything. Better legal services. Better education. Better health care. Better chances of getting a second chance. Better chances at being given the benefit of the doubt. Money and education make a huge difference in the kind of treatment and care people have access to, and ultimately their odds of survival and their quality of life.
    4. The world has changed. People with guns enter places that used to be safe and they take the lives of others, including our nation’s children.
    5. Al Gore lost the presidency, and I truly started to believe that votes are counted and they matter.

    The more I think about this coming election and all the craziness in our country right now, and the more I encounter people of all backgrounds and who vote in a variety of ways, the more I’m convinced that the majority of America is not represented by what we see in Washington and what we see on the news. The majority of us are not just right or left, or Republican or Democrat, or liberal or conservative. The majority of us are somewhere in the middle, in an area defined by shades instead of absolutes. Our life experiences move our political needle, and hopefully also our empathy needle, as we make mistakes or get to know people not like us or get a diagnosis or someone we love is hurt.

    But the candidates we’re presented with right now seem to either fall at the far sides, where the absolutes reside, or act like they do simply to secure votes.

    It’s absolutely crazy to me that someone would say that any political party has no room for someone who believes differently. You can’t be a Democrat if you believe abortion is wrong? Or you can’t be a Republican if you think access to guns should have limits?

    That. Is. Stupid.

    And incredibly short-sighted.

    You know what else is crazy and short-sighted? Our thoughts on instances or events have suddenly started getting us lumped into an absolute value type of category.

    I can see a video of police brutality and think the officer in it is an asshole while also believing in the goodness of other law enforcement officers. I can kneel during the national anthem and still love America and care about our military and be thankful for their sacrifice. I can think that abortion is wrong and still respect the right of others to make different choices or even just believe that government should not have control over those sorts of things.

    You can vote Republican and believe in restrictions for assault rifles or funding for climate solutions. You can vote Democrat and believe in prayer in schools or not want federal funding for Planned Parenthood.

    What most of us can agree on, I think, is what makes a good person. Someone who is kind, who tries their best, looks for the truth, helps others, has empathy, and does the right thing when no one is looking. We are not all ever going to agree on the issues of the day, but it seems like we could at least agree on the need for our country’s leaders to be good humans – and to vote accordingly. In all the years I’ve voted I have never seen so many good people get caught up on opposite sides instead of focusing on the simplicity of who’s qualified and who’s a good human?

    This is not the time to not vote. It’s not the time to stick our heads in the sand and worry about our hair while we let the rest of America figure this out. As the old saying goes if we don’t stand for something, we’ll fall for absolutely anything – and that’s true in our personal lives, in our professional lives, and in our politics.

    It shocks me how many people can listen to our current President and think there’s a good human. Set the political issues aside – really look at a person who laughed about grabbing and mistreating women, who belittled the family members of a fallen soldier, who made fun of a former POW, and who made fun of someone with a disability. I challenge you to then look at yourself in the mirror and say I want my children to be like him or I aspire to be like him.

    A number of people, including our current president, are interviewing for the job of leader of our country. It’s our job to decide who gets that job and that decision is not just about key metrics, but also, and most importantly, about each candidate’s goodness or lack of it.

    The supreme quality for leadership is integrity.
    Dwight D. Eisenhower

  • Self Care and *Real* People

    Self Care and *Real* People

    I don’t think I can scroll through social media for more than two minutes without seeing some sort of post about self care. Sometimes I read things like Be patient with yourself and I roll my eyes, and other times I see You are allowed to eat three donuts and I feel like nobody gets me like that person gets me.

    Self care has twenty million posts on Instagram. Twenty million posts to encourage people that they are worthy. Worthy of rest or happiness or love or attention or respect or health. What does it say about our world that so many people need a reminder that they are worthy? What does it say about me that I sometimes need that reminder?

    I know that self care is about wellness, and that there are millions of people out there that need real help and a real plan to care for themselves properly. Self care is critically important for them. My experience with the term self care is in a more buzzword kind of way – like a special password that tells me someone is going to spend time in a way that makes them feel good. A pedicure. A round of golf. A bubble bath.

    Those are all nice things but it seems like we should be striving to live lives where we don’t get to the point of needing a fix of some sort for a few hours. Self care in that buzzword-scenario seems like filling potholes instead of figuring out how to make better roads. Shouldn’t we practice self care proactively, as a lifestyle, instead of occasionally fitting it in after a build-up of seemingly overwhelming things?

    It comes down to three things, I think:

    • shedding Mom guilt
    • balance
    • getting real people in our village

    And actually, I think maybe the number one thing we can do to practice self care is in that third bullet – it’s in surrounding ourselves with people who love us enough to be real with us and tell us the truth. If we treat others like we want to be treated, live lives we can be proud of, and live in a balanced, healthy way mentally and physically and spiritually we should not need pothole-type-self care. But because we’re not perfect and we make mistakes and sometimes we stray onto paths that aren’t the best for us, it’s critically important that we have people around us who will not accept our bullshit and who will call us out on our bullshit.

    We need balance and truth in our lives in order for self care to really be a way of life.

    We tend to hide our dysfunction. Simply, we don’t want to be embarrassed or ashamed. But it’s in our moments and situations of dysfunction that it’s absolutely critical that the people around us be people we have chosen carefully and purposefully – that they be those people who we knew would be able to say to us that’s such BS, or you’re lying to yourself, or you need to take care of yourself, or that’s not right, or you’re hurting yourself/others. And on top of that, dysfunction, if it must be or is revealed, will then seek other dysfunction instead of truth – above all else because it craves approval and it craves cohorts. Dysfunction wants others to say with their words or behavior that what’s happening is OK.

    Healthy people – our purposefully chosen village around us who practice actual love – will call out our dysfunction. It’s other dysfunction that tells us our bad path or our poor choices or our hiding is OK. Healthy encourages focus, while dysfunction encourages distraction. Healthy encourages responsibility, while dysfunction encourages avoidance. Healthy encourages help, while dysfunction encourages further isolation.

    In my circles right now, self care is mostly a password that allows moms to take a small amount of time “off” from focusing on our children, which is how we spend the vast majority of our time, and instead spend an hour on a pedicure or taking a Sunday afternoon nap. It’s the occasional prescription for a life filled with busy-ness.

    My life is filled with busy-ness, and I actually like that the vast majority of the time. Also, it’s necessary right now. This is a period in my life where I’m a working Mom of two children who are at stages where they can get themselves a simple meal but they can’t yet drive. Where they need an engaged Momma to make sure they are on the right path each day, and to make sure that their hormones aren’t an excuse for not practicing kindness, and that they get up and appropriately dressed and out of the house on time, that they don’t blow up the microwave, that they get to appointments and gymnastics and swim and chorus and youth group and play dates and football games.

    I also want the girls to look back on their childhoods and remember that their Mom didn’t just have guidelines and rules, but that she played – that she splashed in the ocean even though we all had regular clothes on, that she let them put crazy makeup all over her face, and that she sang Lizzo when the car windows were rolled down.

    This is a relatively short period of my overall life and I have to use this time so wisely. I realized this week that in this time the girls need to also see me model balance and self care. They need to learn it as a way of life and they’ll do that in part by watching me. It’s not enough to get pedicures together, which we just all like to do. We have to talk about the importance of down time, we have to take afternoons to rest together, we have to practice gratitude together, we have to help each other choose our village carefully, and we have to talk openly about when we’re overwhelmed. We have to bravely and purposefully be real with others, and bravely and purposefully surround ourselves with people who will be real with us.

  • Forgiveness, Expectations, and Consequences

    Forgiveness, Expectations, and Consequences

    I watched the Amber Guyger sentencing footage tonight, and all at the same time I am moved by Brandt Jean’s example and I am perplexed by Brandt Jean’s actions and I am annoyed by Brandt Jean’s words.

    Is Amber Guyger forgiven? Was the forgiveness Brandt Jean offered her the right thing to do? Does that really help anyone? Does it really mean anything?

    Because to me it feels like Amber doesn’t deserve forgiveness. That’s pretty un-Christian of me and yet it’s the truth about the thoughts and feelings bouncing around in my heart and mind.

    She doesn’t deserve forgiveness.

    Amber Guyger doesn’t seem like a good person who did something bad – she seems like a bad person who did something bad. And that matters to me. All people make mistakes and do bad things sometimes. Those acts fall into the bucket of forgiveable. But people who make conscious and deliberate choices to hurt others are bad, and people who focus on self more than anyone else are bad. For those who fall into the category of bad people who do bad things, it feels like forgiveness should be out of reach.

    The Amber in court seemed broken and frightened at times, but we know that her actions and reactions recorded by a body cam not long after she killed Botham Jean show another side of her. Perhaps the “real” her? That Amber doesn’t deserve forgiveness, because she was really only thinking about herself. That Amber doesn’t deserve forgiveness because she seemed sorry only about the coming consequences to her, not about the life cut short by her actions. That Amber was so caught up in herself and what happened to her that she didn’t try to help a man she shot – even her 911 call was about how everything related to her.

    While I feel like Amber Guyger is undeserving, a spirit deep within me also knows that none of us are worthy and yet all of us are worthy – and also that we are all forgiveable. And so watching Brandt Jean offer forgiveness to the woman who took his brother’s life is, more than anything I guess, just confusing.

    Watch Brandt Offer Forgiveness

    What initially struck me as I watched him speak is that he seemed to take his seat with maybe a rough idea of what he wanted to say. It didn’t really seem like he knew how far he was going to take it – he started down a path of I will not repay wrong with wrong, he faltered a bit as he really considered what he was doing and how that made him feel, and then he made a choice to lean in to his desire to forgive.

    Perhaps a desire to forgive took root in him in recent months or weeks. but had not been able to break the surface. Maybe he was fighting it, maybe others were encouraging him to fight it, maybe he had made deliberate choices to squash it. But once he started giving forgiveness a voice and it was out loud, you can see him finally embrace it. It’s like we actually watched a force grow and bust out with the speaking of just a few tough sentences.

    I respect and am deeply moved by Brandt’s personal decision to forgive, and at the same time his personal decision and display has real public impact and consequences. Amber somehow seems less accountable now, and that’s not OK. Amber somehow seems redeemed or less bad now, and that’s not OK. Amber somehow seems to “get off easy” now, and that’s not OK. Amber shot and killed an unarmed man and she will actually serve a lot less time than she should, a lot less time than seems fair, and a lot less time than others would.

    It also seems like each time we see a public display of forgiveness it just adds to this weird narrative that it’s a victim’s responsibility to forgive. It should not be our expectation that victims forgive or show compassion. It should be our expectation that bad actions are punished, that punishments are meted out fairly for all people, and that forgiveness is a personal decision each victim makes.

    Brandt Jean is brave, if for no other reason than he spoke publicly today during a very challenging and heartbreaking time for him. He faced a woman who hurt him and his family, he opened himself up for scrutiny and criticism, and he chose to forgive even though others in his family did not.

    Brandt Jean made a decision that his life and his words would not be about darkness and anger and evil. Perhaps the real decision he made today was simply choosing his own path- one that brings him peace. And so I end up in a place I hadn’t expected: it really doesn’t matter if Amber Guyger is deserving or not. The forgiveness Brandt extended and modeled is something that is all about him, and really has nothing to do with Amber.

    Maybe strong people aren’t the ones who forgive and forget, but the ones who remember and yet forgive. (unknown)

  • First Day of School

    First Day of School

    It’s the first day of school and I’m up before the sun, hours before any alarms go off, excited about your year ahead and praying for your year ahead.

    Each year of school brings so many new milestones, from new kinds of math to discoveries about yourself to lessons about people and relationships. As your understanding grows, the world gets bigger and bigger – the number of people and things you impact gets bigger and the number of people and things that impact you gets bigger.

    And so I pray for your growth, in height because I know that’s important to you and in knowledge, faith and spirit because that’s what’s most important to me.

    I pray for your protection, from all forces and people that would harm you physically, mentally or spiritually. And I pray for your discernment to recognize those bad forces that you’ll undoubtedly encounter, and that you will steer clear of them.

    I pray you’ll be intentional about your choices. That you won’t expect opportunities and jobs and friendships and relationships to just happen to you. Sometimes the things in your life that seem easy or seem to just fall in your lap are not right for you, and if you’re living intentionally you’ll see that they are distractions from your best choice and your best life.

    I pray that you’ll be intentional about your thought patterns and your peace. That you make choices to discard negative thoughts about yourself and others, that you seek friendships that add to your peace and positivity and joy and happiness, that you set boundaries to enable peace to thrive in your life, and that you actively hold on to your peace.

    I pray that you will not forget who you are and Whose you are. And that when you make choices that aren’t the best, that you never forget that you are always loved and forgiven.

    I pray you will be kind, to others and to yourself. Everyone you encounter each day struggles in some way, and I pray you will have empathy and patience and that you will see what God wants you to see in each person and in yourself.

    I pray that you will see you as God sees you.

    I pray that in the big scheme of things you will put greater focus on how things look on the inside of you than how your hair and makeup and outfit make the outside of you appear.

    I pray you will have fun. That you will enjoy your life, that you won’t take embarrassing things that happen too seriously, that you will find the funny in all things, and that you will make the fun when you or others are struggling to smile.

    I pray that you will love learning, and not just the stuff you’re going to read in books or online resources. I pray for your passion – that as your knowledge of subjects grows you’ll want to know more and more, that as your knowledge of the world grows you’ll want to go out into it more and more, and that as your knowledge of injustice grows you’ll want to act more and more.

    I pray you will surround yourselves with friends of all different kinds and perspectives. Kids who will introduce you to different kinds of thinking and music and art and play and faith. And I pray you will see the value in every single difference and person.

    I pray that you will not give up. You will sometimes want to, after a long hour or day or week, or when you’re halfway through a project and realize you need to start over. At those moments you’ll feel frustrated and you’ll cry, and maybe you’ll scream inside or have an actual shouty tantrum. It’s OK to embrace all those feelings and even to get sucked into them for a little while, but then I pray you’ll shake it off and get back to the task at hand or to simply living.

    I pray that wherever you are, you will always know that you can call me or text me to help you or to help your friends or to help your enemies. I pray that while you may fret that something will make me mad, that that fear will be overridden by the truth that I love you and I want what’s best for you. That the fear that something will make me disappointed will be overridden by the truth that nothing you do could make me not love you and that I have been in your shoes and have made the tough call you’re dreading to my own parents.

    And finally, on your first day of school I pray for me. That I will have the courage to face my fears and let you fly further. That I will give you just the right amount of space and room to grow. That I will not do too many things for you and I will allow and encourage you to do more yourself. That I will remember that most people and kids are good, and that you are not actually in danger the vast majority of the time. And that I will successfully resist the urge to smother you with kisses at the bus stop.

    I also pray that I will remember this day specifically. I’ll remember that Ella Facetimed with her best friend at 5:30 am so they could “get ready together.” I’ll remember that big-girl Audrey set out lipstick and perfume along with her shoes.

    And I pray I’ll remember that as I walked around the house turning off all the lights before going to work, I realized that girl bathrooms don’t change much with the generations – countertops are covered with makeup and hairspray and devices that are absolutely required for us to look just right for the day.