Brave, Anyway

Tag: relationships

  • Lingering Disappointment

    Lingering Disappointment

    You should never ever tell me how you voted. This is the conclusion I’ve come to. In order for us to coexist peacefully or for me to not be disappointed in you, I cannot know that you voted for a candidate who would not support my daughter. I cannot know that you voted against my daughter.

    I logically know that no one voted against Audrey. In fact, I’m one hundred percent positive that she never crossed your mind as you voted. And yet, she’s one of the two most important people in my life, so I cannot do anything – especially vote – without her at the forefront of my mind.

    As a cancer survivor, it’s incredibly important that Audrey always have health care. I’m a believer that health care is important and necessary for all people, but it’s truly critical that those among us who have battled or who are battling serious diseases or conditions receive care from childhood into adulthood. That means the parents of the most vulnerable need access to affordable health care and coverage, and that those kids who are the most vulnerable have access to affordable care and coverage as they move into adulthood.

    Maybe Audrey will be waiting tables when she’s 26, trying to finish grad school or medical school or law school. Maybe she’ll be an artist or a missionary or fixing cars. Whatever she wants to do, whatever she’s called to do, she will need access to health care. Which means she likely needs to be a cube dweller (and maybe not focusing on her calling), working in a job that doesn’t need advanced education, or she needs some form of the ACA to be in place.

    I want my child to have the same access to health care as anyone else’s child. Not only is she deserving of that as a human being, she fought very hard for life.

    So we can disagree on things like the second amendment, climate change measures, and taxes – but we cannot disagree on health care without me harboring a grudge against you and wondering if you really care about Audrey. Because no matter why you cast a vote for a candidate, I see your vote against Audrey.

    And maybe that’s not fair and maybe it’s mean. But it’s how I feel, and it feels good to give it a voice. I am longing for the day that America is a country where health care is not a partisan issue. Because sometimes I feel like West Virginia in the 1860s.

    How It Started and How It’s Going

  • “Nobody Likes Me”

    One thing experience has taught me about narcissists: after a “nobody likes me” moment they will show up the next day with an even greater view of themselves and how much they contribute to the world and how smart they are.

    That poor me moment yesterday may have been an actual moment of clarity or a premeditated moment designed to manipulate – but the outcome will be the same. Lack of accountability, deflection, blame of others.

    It really is crazy how our country is in an abusive relationship with an elected leader. An old meme keeps coming to mind – something along the lines of narcissism is one of those conditions where everyone around the actual patient is treated.

    I just wonder how long it will take millions of people to see they’ve been blind to manipulation, and how long it will take the country to recover from this four years. Can trust amongst our nation’s people even be re-established? This massive triangulation setup with Republicans and Democrats is out of control and by design – the vast majority of people aren’t far left or far right, but somewhere closer to the center.

    But this is what narcissists do. They play people against one another. They say something didn’t go well for them because of what you did or did not do. They play the victim if they start to suspect they are being questioned, and try to make people feel sorry for them. They occasionally throw out a humble statement about themselves, but that has a purpose and it’s to encourage people around them to compliment them – because compliments are manna for the narcissist.

    Once you know it, it’s such a predictable cycle. And yet not a cycle anyone can stop as long as there are people who don’t see the narcissist for who and what they are.

    So those of us who see it are stuck. Stuck, wondering how people don’t see it. Stuck, feeling sorry for the people who don’t see it. Stuck, watching insecurity and fear and ignorance drive people to keep giving an audience to a liar.

    But we’re also stuck in truth. And we’re free.

    Here’s hoping enough people in this country vote to make the choice to break up with the President of the United States. And screw that it’s not you, it’s me crap. It’s definitely him.

  • Home

    What makes a home is very simple: love and safety.

    Safety to be your whole self and to say anything, while knowing without a shadow of a doubt that you will always be unconditionally loved by the people there.

    It’s true when you’re 5 and when you’re 75.

    Home can be a house, apartment, tent, car, aisle in Target, and even in a phone call. It’s about the space you’re in with another person or other people.

    It’s not about bricks or walls or appliances or decorations.

    If you don’t have love and safety, you are in a place called a building or a dwelling or a house – you are not in a home.

    If you don’t have love and safety, you are not home.

  • Healthy Relationships

    Healthy Relationships

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who is focused on winning.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t as focused on giving as they are on taking.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone you can’t trust.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t healthy.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who tell the truth.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who are both faithful.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who are committed to the same values and principles.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who celebrate each other.

    You can’t parent in a healthy way if you are your top priority.

    You can’t parent in a healthy way if your decisions about everything in your life aren’t with your children in mind.

    You can’t parent in a healthy way if you rely on others to do the hard work and have the hard conversations.

    You can’t parent in a healthy way if your children can’t respect you.

    Healthy parents aren’t friends to their children.

    Healthy parents acknowledge when their children need help, and then secure it.

    Healthy parents don’t put conditions on their love.

    Healthy parents take seriously their responsibility to set a good example.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who is not accountable.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who is not finished with their prior relationship.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who is not committed to seeing the best in themself and you.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t healthy.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who can respect each other.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who share responsibilities and burdens.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who can rely on each other.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who celebrate each other.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who doesn’t like themself.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who is driven by jealousy.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who won’t help themself.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t healthy.

    Healthy relationships are between two people committed to compromise.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who are each proud of the other.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who commit to forgive instead of holding a grudge.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who celebrate each other.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who is not committed to growth – yours and theirs.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who hides.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who wants you to do more for them than they are willing to do for themself.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t healthy.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who value the feedback and opinions of each other.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who can be their true and whole self with each other.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who don’t put conditions on their love.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who celebrate each other.

  • Know Who You Are, Brave Girl

    Know Who You Are, Brave Girl

    Somehow the teenage years are here and I feel woefully unprepared. Woefully unprepared to navigate all that these years come with. Woefully unprepared to help her navigate all that these years come with.

    I realize this child lives in my home and I have planned a birthday celebration for her every year for the last *almost* 14 years. And so it seems like I’ve had ample time to prepare for her to be in relationships of her own, but this responsibility has really snuck up on me. If I’d thought about it carefully in advance, I might have prepared one long talk about how to behave and how others should behave, but I didn’t think of it in time – I didn’t think of it before I was in the middle of what I realized after-the-fact was actually one of many quick conversations about things that are really, really important. Things that need time to be discussed. Things that need to percolate, in my brain prior and in hers after.

    Because how your child treats people and how people should treat them is actually just a pretty small part of what you have to cover. I’d forgotten in the thirty-ish years since I was a teenager how much of our growth and learning actually comes by watching and “experiencing” the stuff that happens to and with our friends. Remember how it felt to be 13, 14, 15, 16 when everything that happened to your friends, whether it was good or bad or happy or sad, was soooo big and it felt like it was also happening to you even though it was sometimes just happening to one of your friends? It’s like we all group-experience a few years of our life.

    While kids are in elementary school, parents have the luxury of knowing most, if not all, of the kids their children are spending ample time with. But that changes as they get get older and suddenly you’re answering questions that really aren’t about what’s happening to your child, but about what might be happening to Tiffany from Spanish class.

    1. The first challenge is that you have no context – you know nothing about Tiffany’s life, her parents, her friends, anything.
    2. The second challenge is that even though something may be happening with Tiffany, young people feel the things happening to their friends really deeply and they don’t always separate themselves from it.
    3. The third challenge is that your child may never have had an experience like Tiffany’s but this is her first exposure to whatever it is and so she is going to learn a lot from it one way or another – so helping her process exactly what might be happening and why is important because it will shape her future relationships and her unconscious bias for possibly the remainder of her life.
    4. And the fourth challenge is that as a parent you are always missing part of the story because your child, who is learning, is missing large details when they tell you things – things that adults would ask or focus on, but she doesn’t even know are important yet.

    THIS. IS. SO. HARD.

    And you know what happens as you are mulling over your advice and wondering if you covered all you should have and you’re realizing all the other things you should have said or asked or focused on? You find yourself suddenly terrified that Tiffany doesn’t really exist, and this might actually be your child that had the question but they’re afraid to tell you.

    THIS. IS. SO. HARD.

    I now need so much more than the old “Don’t forget who you are and whose you are.” I need to cover so much more than the typical sex and drugs and alcohol talks we all give our kids.

    I’ve been keeping a mental list and an actual list in my phone. Multiple lists actually. A list of things we’ve talked about and a list of things to talk about and a list of things I need to go back and touch base on when the time is right. If I could just get out my phone and review my lists when it’s time to have these talks, things would be so much simpler.

    My lists may seem neurotic but one of the benefits to seeing what you’ve “written” down over time is that there are almost always a handful of bigger common themes. I don’t think my teenager is going to sit through a list of 37 things to remember while she and her friends are navigating first relationships. But maybe I can get her through a top 5…

    YOU ARE WORTHY. You are worthy just because. Because you’re human. You are likable and loveable, but you are not and will not ever be liked by everybody. It’s OK that some people aren’t your thing and that you aren’t their thing. That has nothing to do with your worth and value, and everything to do with the fact that we weren’t made to all like each other. We need to coexist peacefully – in middle school and all around the earth – and that happens when we understand that all people have worth, and we should treat them with respect as we want to be treated.

    DON’T LOSE YOU. You are whole all by yourself. You are not ever a half. You may be introduced in relation to someone to provide context, but you are not someone in relation to another person – who you are is not Tiffany’s friend or Thomas’ girlfriend. You have dreams and goals, and anyone you’re with should have their own dreams and goals. When you find someone who truly cares about you and who you truly care about, in friendships or romantic relationships, you will cheer each other on as you work toward all of those dreams and goals. Some relationships and friendships will end, and when they do your whole self keeps journeying forward because you have held on to the truth that you are not half.

    BE YOU, NOT SOMEONE ELSE. Be authentic. Feel how you’re feeling, speak truthfully, like things you like and don’t like things you don’t. Don’t act or be or feel a way for others. When you like someone who doesn’t like you back, trying to make yourself likeable to them is a trap. That’s called acting, and if you start to act like someone else you will have to keep acting to maintain that relationship. Acting will always result in a final scene. You need to find your people, the people who you love and who love you, when you are your real self. Everybody’s real self is a little all over the place sometimes, so don’t expect consistency. Your people will always love you, even and especially on the days when you haven’t washed your hair and you’ve been a total crappy-pants.

    CHOOSE YOUR GIRLS. Choose who your girls are wisely, and then choose them every time. You are all imperfect, but you stick together. A group of girls will make each other happy and mad and sad, and they will cry and shout because of each other. Even so, when you go out together you are a unit and you are responsible for one another – you all make sure the others are safe and not forgetting who they are. Be very careful about choosing a boy over your girls – you probably shouldn’t have some one(s) around you if you feel you’re in a situation demanding that. Your girls will be your girls throughout many romantic relationships and life-stage friendships. When one of you is mistreated, and this will happen, believe her. Believe her.

    BE ACCOUNTABLE. The way you behave is 100 percent about you. The way others behave is 100 percent about them. You are responsible for how you behave and you will make mistakes. When you behave badly or make a poor choice, there are consequences and you have to suffer through those. When you mistreat someone, you need to own that. However, you also need to fully understand what is not your part. You live in a world of girls and boys and men and women who sometimes try to make females responsible for things they are not, and you need to be aware when that bias and manipulation are in action. The way you dress is never the reason someone touches. Something you did or didn’t do is never the reason someone hits. Something you did or didn’t do is never the reason someone cheats. When people blame-shift or victim-blame, recognize it for what it is and call it out. Any female who victim-blames other girls should not be in your group of girls.

    Are those 5 really enough? I didn’t even say have fun (but not too much fun). Or, you have decades of adulting ahead so just embrace this time of learning. And x behavior is unhealthy but y behavior is OK. Don’t let your feelings or your fears override logic. You won’t like who you are if you allow yourself to sacrifice your values for your feelings. And you need to recognize the differences between first loves and for-now loves and forever loves. And it goes on and on and on. And suddenly my original list of 37 things is getting even bigger.

    Parenting sometimes feels like I’m tripping up stair after stair, just righting myself from not properly landing on one step while having to take the next step. The only step on which I know my feet are both firmly planted on this topic is this one: If you know who you are and stay true to that, you will be just fine.

    Know who you are, brave girl.

    You. Are. Beloved.