Tag: surviving winter

  • Miracles, Little by Little

    Miracles, Little by Little

    I love this picture.

    I love our girl tree in the front yard. She is majestic and awesome and beautiful.

    I love that she marks the birth of every season as well as the death of every season. Sometimes she surprises us. Literally overnight, just when we think we cannot take any more of the old season, we walk outside in the morning and she shows us the sign of something new.

    I love that my daughters love her, and that she brings them joy. Last week, Audrey squealed with delight as we left the house for the bus stop – she was the first to notice our tree’s spring blooms.

    At the end of a very long week, I sat down to load the photos from my phone onto my desktop and really looked at this snapshot. My favorite thing about it is that you can still see a winter tree in the shadows of her spring blooms.

    You can still see the shadows of winter even though spring is blooming.

    It has me thinking about life’s miracles. We rarely wake up one day and find ourselves miraculously healed of a disease, or free from a prison or a bad situation or a burden. I think because what we expect of the word miracle is that it involves a loud booming announcement or a jolt that we feel throughout our body, we often miss that a miracle is what is occurring or what has occurred. We think because we need a doctor or meds that that’s not a miracle – but doctors and nurses and medicine are ways in which miracles can happen in our world. Or we think because our change or healing took time that somehow we are responsible for making it happen, or that maybe we just got lucky and things worked out.

    But often, I think, miracles happen little by little – over time. And maybe because we fail to see or think about the little steps and changes over time we don’t really recognize what’s happening.

    If you know anyone who’s battled cancer, you likely think of the day an MRI or some test result came back as the day they were cancer-free. But really that test showed healing and change that had already happened. That test was the proof of the miracle that already happened. It happened little by little, over time, as cell after cell was fixed or killed.

    The woman with the issue of blood, a tale of healing in the bible, might seem like a miraculous instantaneous event. But really weren’t there years of steps leading up to that moment when she encountered Jesus? Weren’t there maybe years of days and moments where her faith was challenged and she had to persevere, and her faith grew little by little – the faith that was required for her miracle? Jesus said to her, “…your faith has healed you.”

    That brings me back to the photo of my tree, where you can still see the shadows of winter behind spring’s blooms. The blooms are so little right now that her shadow shows only winter. You have to look closely to see her few blooms. You have to really look to see her miracle in progress. Little by little, each day, she has more blooms. Little by little, each day, the shadows of winter diminish. And when I walk out of my house a couple weeks from now and see my beautiful tree in full bloom, that will not be the day of her miracle. The miracle of her rebirth was little by little over days and months.

    “The deep roots never doubt spring will come.” Marty Rubin

  • Spring Is Coming, Brave Girl

    It is late winter right now. Not early winter. Not mid winter. Late winter. That part of winter where you start thinking that every frost could be the last one and you start thinking about planting things because spring is so close you can feel it in the afternoon air.

    It’s currently 92 degrees as the sun sets on the last day of June in 2018. It was a sticky bra and limp hair kind of day. But in my head, which is where I spend a lot of my time right now, the end of winter is approaching. I am eight months into separation and probably five months from divorce. It’s felt like winter since October.

    I chose this wordpress theme because the visual is perfect for me right now. I am redecorating my house so that it feels different and home-y and more like me, as opposed to the old version of this house which was decorated for me + someone. The theme is farmhouse meets country meets antiques – I suck at decorating and yet I like how it’s all coming together. Barn wood and old books and even a pickle crock. The trees in this theme are winter trees, but the sky is blue and there’s no snow on the ground and the sunset is blanketing a grassy field with color. This picture says Spring is coming. It’s not here yet, but you are certain it’s coming.

    That’s where I am right now. I am at the end of winter right on the cusp of Spring. I am feeling more like me. I am getting more accomplished outside of just surviving. I find the funny again. I genuinely laugh out loud on a regular basis. I enjoy all my favorite things again – reading and binge-watching TV and shopping and family outings and Amy Schumer and Pinterest and shoes and political tees. Darkness still creeps up on me sometimes, but it’s happening less and less often now. I’m back to driving with the windows down and the music turned up.

    My life is not at all what I expected. And yet I am still the same. I am Beth. I am Ella’s Mom and I am Audrey’s Mom. I value faith, family and people above all else. I love my job. I love the people in my life. I believe in service and giving and community. While I have never not known and loved Jesus, I am not yet at a place where I am always filled with faith. I am a mixture of faith and planner. By that I mean I have always been able to visualize my future – and so while I thought I had faith, the truth was that my “faith” was closely tied to my being firmly planted and thinking everything was under control and on schedule and according to plan. Until October. Until winter. Now my future is not at all what I thought it was going to be and I don’t have everything all figured out.

    I’ve been surviving winter, but I’m more than surviving now. Spring is coming. And it’s an opportunity for me to really be brave. I’ve been building up to it. I am not a wimp and yet I am not yet brave. I’m a Brave Girl Wannabe.

    Ella and Audrey and Brave