And we still don’t know, just as I suspected. And yet just as I dreaded. We may not know the outcome of the presidential election for quite some time, but we do know this: many of our neighbors and friends that we have categorized as good people because they are nice to us have in them the ability to support racism and the mistreatment of women and children. I will never understand how someone can say they are a Christian and support someone who so blatantly is not.
My heart is heavy.
I did not expect a landslide and yet my heart had this hope I was afraid to ever voice. It hoped that there was goodness in more people than I believed. That their goodness would rise up and stand for their neighbor. That their faith would rise up and say this behavior is not right and not what Jesus would do.
It still matters to me who wins. But my faith in the goodness of people took another huge hit in the last 24 hours.
Election day 2020 in my RBG sweatshirt. Not pictured: oldest jeans I own and furry pink slippers.
I want America to be great. But sometimes that’s hard to even visualize when I look at where we are today.
What does great even mean? That word has been co-opted by people wearing red hats and I’m not even sure that the majority of them can define the greatness we used to have that we supposedly need to get back to.
Does great mean when we had prayer in schools? I think that’s what a lot of well-meaning Christians are holding on to. Prayer in schools is the panacea for drugs, pregnancy outside of marriage, respect for elders, vandalism, anger, and a thousand other things. But it’s not prayer in schools that’s going to fix those things. It’s prayer in our homes. In our cars at a stop light. In line at the market. And most importantly, in our hearts. “Prayer in schools” as the reason America has gone to hell in a hand basket is such a cop out – if you really want to point fingers, the end of prayer in schools began when we largely gave up on prayer in our homes and in our hearts.
Does great mean before Roe v. Wade? Because abortion wasn’t invented in the twentieth century. It’s been around since the beginning of time, in the form of herbs and bloodletting and a dozen other precarious methods. And if Roe v. Wade is overturned it will still be around and practiced just as it is today, and just as it was before that Supreme Court decision – managed by individual states.
Does great mean when women couldn’t own a home without a man’s signature? When men had a lot more “say” in everything? Or perhaps great refers to the time before Brown v. Board of Education or before the civil rights movement? Or does great mean before the immigration of people from non-white nations? Or maybe great means when the number of young people signing up to join the military was higher, when we were in the Cold War or just after September 11? I am a child of a veteran, I support our military, and tears still fill my eyes every time I see families waiting on piers for loved ones to come home. But sometimes I wonder if we are really a country that loves our military (wouldn’t we pay them more if we did?), or if we are more of a country of people that just loves to rally around a conflict and that live vicariously through the young people kicking some ass somewhere out there.
I’ve yet to hear anyone who wants America to be great “again” define it in a way that makes sense to me, except for the people solely focused on money. And while I don’t agree on trickle down economics and tax cuts for wealthy people, at least they are real about their motives and I can respect that.
I want America to be great. Not “again” though, because I think maybe it hasn’t ever been great for a lot of Americans. It’s been great for me, but I’m white and didn’t grow up in poverty or oppression. Part of being a good human, and part of being a good Christian for those of us that are people of faith, is not just caring about self. It’s also recognizing when other humans need help and providing that help if possible. And perhaps most importantly for today, it’s recognizing when other humans are discriminated against – by authority figures, by neighbors or colleagues, by laws and by systems – and standing against that. Setting WWJD aside, we should all be concerned about discrimination in any form against any American because history has taught us over and over again that if we allow discrimination against anyone, we risk being discriminated against as seasons change.
As far as I can tell, “Make America Great Again” is about loving your neighbor if your neighbor looks and loves and prays like you, but sends cursory thoughts and prayers to everyone else. It’s a way to hide behind canned talking points because of motives surrounding faith and race and gender we don’t want to acknowledge, let alone speak about.
Maybe this election cycle is more vicious and divisive because of who walks the halls of the White House and Capitol, maybe it’s because we’re actually at a tipping point morally, maybe it’s because we’ve all been quarantined and are just cranky and combative, or maybe it’s a combination of all of it. But I’m so tired of it all. I’m tired of “good” people – Christians especially – perpetuating the self-serving and idiotic belief that real Christians vote red and actively participating in or turning a blind eye to all the discrimination in this country. People are supposed to see Jesus through us, and we’re supporting and pointing them to politicians and programs and systems that do not reflect the love with which we are supposed to be filled.
I’ve been reading Jesus for President by Shane Claiborne. I love how he characterizes the job of the disciples: “It wasn’t a call to take the sword or the throne and force the world to bow. Rather, they were to live the contagious love of God, to woo the nations into a new future.”
I want America to be a place where all my neighbors – especially our nation’s veterans and children and elderly – have food and shelter and medicine. I recognize that’s a bit of a pipe dream given our current financials but is that so much to ask that we work toward? Why would those basics even be tied to one political party instead of core tenets of all political parties? I don’t care if your shirt has a donkey or an elephant on it, I have and will vote for you if you can show me you believe in the equality of all people, that you haven’t purposely mistreated people, and that you have empathy for people not like you.
We have to stop being afraid of one another, of differences. We have to catch and stop when deeply rooted beliefs of favor or better rear their ugly heads in our hearts. We can love, and are called to love, our neighbor regardless of how different they are so that people see love through us, regardless of whether we are a Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Jew, or Hindu.
If we allow ourselves to continue to buy into canned talking points and excuses, which we tell ourselves and others to make us feel better, we will never actually work to make anything great. We need to start accepting responsibility for all the beliefs and generalizations and fears that we secretly harbor about people who are not like us, for all that we’re voting for, for all that we’re voting against, and for all we’ve been allowing.
Sydney Ellen Wade, played by Annette Benning in The American President, said exactly how I’ve been feeling for months and maybe years: “How do you have patience for people who claim they love America, but clearly can’t stand Americans?”
Our vote is never just for a policy we’re passionate about, it’s for the whole person whose name we choose. No matter our choice, some things about that person will be good and some will be bad. But we can’t say we’re voting just to save unborn babies or for health care, and think that absolves us of responsibility as it relates to supporting the character and integrity of the person we chose.
It may not feel like it today, but you will survive this. And you will do so much more than survive. You will thrive.
You may be surprised by what’s happening right now, but God isn’t. It’s going to take a little time, but just like a climbing plane goes through turbulent clouds and then flies into beautiful clear sky, He is going to lead you out of darkness and into sunshine.
Sometimes God removes people from your life. Sometimes God shows you to take steps to remove people from your life. Listen and remove them.
I assumed God was disappointed in me, even though I had “biblical grounds” for getting divorced. God supports marriage and hates when marriages don’t work out. But what’s also truth is that there is nothing we can do to lose His love. He loves us. He also knows things we don’t, and sometimes I wonder if perhaps the revelations of truth that land us in these positions to divorce are an act of His mercy and protection, for us and/or for our children.
When divorce happens because someone was wronged, everyone in your life but family will at some point have to choose a side. It‘s a harsh truth, but people who want to remain friends with both of you are not your friend. They are actually not a friend to anyone. Cut those ties as soon as you can. Focus all your energy on people you love who love you, and you will find very quickly that your life has significantly less drama.
Well-meaning people will say to forgive, and they are right. But that’s only a part of the guidance they should give. First, understand forgiveness takes time and some distance. Don’t expect too much of yourself too soon. Second, you need to forgive for you, so you have freedom – not because others deserve it. They don’t, actually. Third, you can forgive and never speak to that person again, and you can forgive and never trust that person again. Forgiveness is the result of who you are, while trust is the result of what others have earned.
Your values are your values are your values. This is true for you and everyone else. Our actions reveal who we are and what’s in our heart, and any time we start to reference circumstances or we say things like yes we did that, but we’ve entered the land of excuses and lack of accountability. People who live in that land are liars, whether it be to self or others.
Your ex is going to say things about you and about what happened that are not true. Who cares. You bought into who they were and their narratives for a long time, so it stands to reason that others will find their stories believable. The people listening are not your people.
It’s OK to ask for help with the stuff you’ve never done. You haven’t needed to know about those things until now, so you’re not “behind” or dumb. And people who care about you are happy to tell you or show you or help you. I never in a million years would have imagined that I would fix a toilet, a dishwasher, a dryer, and the garage door just by following instructions on youtube videos. When you tackle these things, you are going to feel like the guy skiing in that old peppermint patty commercial, empowered and strong like never before.
Practice thankfulness purposefully. I put two notes in my phone and for a very long time I read them each day, sometimes multiple times. One was all the things about marriage I was not going to miss – this list was mean and funny. One was all the big things I had to be thankful for. You will have to commit to being thankful on purpose. It will not feel natural in this time.
The master closet – ALL OF THE CLOSETS! – are yours and yours alone. It is glorious.
Some of the women in your life will grow to resent you and maybe even hate you. Those feelings are all about them and their situations and their insecurities, and not about you at all. And some of the women in your life will have husbands or boyfriends or partners who are going to be uncomfortable around you now. You are living breathing confirmation that a woman can be fine on her own, and perhaps even more than fine. You are now a threat to their narratives.
Your healing and your ability to really move forward is tied to your children’s healing, because you are a good parent.
Your children are going to be frustrated that you allowed this to happen. And even though they don’t always blame you and they understand what happened, they are going to take out the vast majority of their anger on you. This is because you are the safe and secure one. Therapists and doctors and teachers and helpers will tell you that you should know by this that they can trust you and that you’re a good parent. You will logically know and believe that’s true, but the unfairness of it is still going to really piss you off sometimes. When this happens, it’s venting to a friend who will say nothing or rant with you that makes this better.
When people ask you if you’re dating, most often they ask because of a deep-rooted belief that we must be paired to be happy. First, lots of unpaired people have lives they love and would not change. Second, you can maybe make yourself feel better but you cannot actually heal these specific wounds in another relationship. It is OK to tell someone you’re not “there” yet, either because you like your life as it is now or because you’re still healing. People who are healthy and who actually want the best for you totally get it.
Getting divorced sucks, for the adults and the children. Being divorced brings peace and freedom for you. You’ll do things only your way. When things go wrong or right, only you are responsible. In-the-moment decisions are all on you, and they are all yours to make. It’s scary and it’s exhilarating. A couple years ago now I came across this quote and it is so true: Everything has changed and yet I am more me than I have ever been. Own it. Do what makes you happy. Be who makes you happy.
Read romance novels. Watch romcoms. Go to weddings. Listen to and sing along to love songs. Celebrate the anniversaries and relationships of your friends and family. You believe in love, even though you’re a little jaded about it right now. You know how I know? Your filing for divorce means you know that the relationship you were in did not have the kind of love that you know exists and of which you are worthy.
Maybe steer clear of Investigation Discovery for a while.
You know how we say children become who we tell them they are – if we speak down to them they’ll be down on themselves, but if we pump them up they will be confident? The same is true of you and me, even though we’re adults. You deserve to be happy. You are God’s beloved child. He delights in you, even when you don’t have it all together. He is not disappointed in you even one little bit. You are beautiful and smart and witty and accomplished and caring and giving and a fierce protector and a wonderful Mom and a supportive friend.
Forgive yourself.
This is a chance you hadn’t expected to rethink everything and to not have to compromise on anything. Take the time to think. Think on the small things and think on the big things. And think big. Think outside of your comfort zone. Think brave.
On the last day of real life, six months ago today, I ate pizza at a restaurant with some of my favorite people. I miss them. Critical commentary and witty banter in person feels like family. Critical commentary and witty banter via Zoom feels like maybe we’re mean.
For days I will eat a bagel, some pickles and cheese for lunch, and maybe a bowl of cereal and a mini Hershey bar before bed. Then one day I will consume ten thousand calories within a few hours – chicken biscuit, a box of Gobstoppers, pizza, fries, banana cream pie from the Cheesecake Factory. I will get a tummy ache and promise myself and God I will never ever eat that way again if I can just go to sleep and feel better. But about 10 days later I will in fact do it again. I cannot seem to stop this cycle.
This household consumes ketchup at the rate of 38 ounces every 6 days. It is more precious than milk, bread, OJ, and maybe even toilet paper.
John Cusack should not play a serious serial killer. Just stop it, Netflix. He’s supposed to be holding up boom boxes and kissing girls that are like us. Grosse Point Blank is an exception because the government made him do it AND because he kissed a girl that could have been us.
I let my teenager go on a double date to the roller rink. All kids were driven there by parents. All kids were in a public place at all times. All kids were wearing masks at all times. COVID dating simplifies some things for parents.
I have a thousand and one complaints about virtual school. I’m not sharing a single one. Teachers are busting their butts and stuck in the same crappy situation as all the rest of us – but they also have to try and teach with few resources and sketchy leadership. I desperately want my girls to go back to school and learn face to face, and at the same time I am terrified of the risk involved.
I am not going to be one of the first half a million people to get the vaccine. That’s a Stephen King novel just waiting to be written.
Occasionally I’ll get a little brave and venture out, but then I end up spending the next 14 days holding my breath a little. Vacation was great, getting my hair cut and colored was great, getting a pedicure was great…but I’m not sure it’s worth the late night thoughts that bombard my brain or the slight tension that rests in my shoulders the couple of weeks following.
Every time I start to worry about sickness and events outside of my control, I try to remind myself that evidence of miracles walks around my house daily. I snapped this picture of Audrey a couple weeks ago and I keep coming back to it. She’s got a little Wonder Woman stare combined with maybe a Drew Barrymore Firestarter moment. Her expression is so focused. And fierce.
September is Childhood Cancer Awareness month.
My favorite quarantine purchase is an In Our Prayers display. It’s a visual reminder and a method to communicate who and what is on our hearts. Right now every single one is related to family: blood family, church family, work family.
I am watching too much news. This has resulted in my firm belief that there is no revelation or story or coverage that is going to sway votes for or against Trump at this point. Supporters of his will not believe them. He said it himself years ago and it’s an absolute truth – he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and still get votes. The case involving the President and E. Jean Carroll and the Justice Department is the news story that has me the most frustrated right now: DOJ to represent Trump. The president denies knowing his accuser and is being asked to provide a DNA sample as part of the case, which is pretty standard. His DNA, that could prove he’s telling the truth and she’s lying, is the thing he’s trying desperately not to provide. Why aren’t more people asking why is that?
The longer I’m out in the world less and at home more, the less faith I have in humanity. Especially if I spend any time on Facebook or Twitter. I need to get out to see the good in people. Online, it’s too easy to judge solely based on what they copy and paste and share. And yet, I guess that is who they are. It’s all so confusing.
Regardless of what some people might say in rally speeches or tweets, I’m voting Democrat but I am not trying to lock anyone in their homes, fire all police officers, overturn the second amendment, fighting to keep churches closed, or thinking we shouldn’t be allowed to say God in America. I’m just a girl, standing in front of the TV watching a boy, who’s not doing a very good job at his job.
I have peaceably protested. I have never been a participant in looting or destruction (unless you count that time we spray painted the train overpass in college). I think the destruction of property is wrong, it works against trying to get people to see your “side,” and it distracts many from the core issue. And yet at the same time I get why some people are doing it. Sometimes frustration builds and builds and builds over months or years or a lifetime and then it bursts out. Maybe if we didn’t view equality and fair treatment of all people as an issue that has sides, we wouldn’t be dealing with these explosions.
I don’t know if this is real or photoshopped, but it doesn’t matter. It sums up how I feel about several situations in the world right now.
This world lost a pretty great human a week ago. Her name was Alicia. We went to Emory & Henry at the same time and we graduated together. She was fierce and passionate, she had a huge heart and an old soul, and she spoke truth verbally and in writing. She stood up for people regardless of what others would think of her. About a year ago, we were both having “a day” on the same day and I picked up my phone and dialed her number instead of sending a message. I hadn’t heard her actual voice since 1995 but it seemed like no time had passed since the last time. We laughed about old times and current times, we man-hated, and we traded Momma stories. The time talking was the hug I needed, and I hope she felt the same way. I am so thankful I made that call, and I have a feeling she’s looking out for us from that great cloud of witnesses while slyly making mischief and casting some spells by request.
Back in 1946, when my Mom thinks my great Aunt Jean and Uncle Dale got this formica table, I’m certain they never imagined that almost 75 years later their great great niece Audrey (Little Bit) would have this thing called a laptop sitting on it, and would be using it as a desk for virtual school during a pandemic.
Blessed are those who came before us, who are now in our great cloud of witnesses cheering us on, who prayed and established roots and set examples, and who even bought or built or made things so that their families – and their children and their children and their children – might rely on the strength of what they established.
And I saw for the first time how, despite the isolation of our own lives, we are always connected to our ancestors; our bodies hold the memories of those who came before us, whether it is the features we inherit or a disposition that is etched into our soul.Alyson Richman
For the over 50 years that it sat in my great aunt and uncle’s kitchen, this table heard countless prayers and graces.
Brave, Anyway 