Brave, Anyway

Category: BraveGirlJournal

  • Closet Space

    Closet Space

    One of the best experiences in the days when your house becomes just yours is that moment when you realize that the closet belongs wholly to you. No sharing. No things hanging haphazardly and with no real organization. Tie racks become scarf organizers. Purses and shoes reside just above their corresponding clothes.

    The closet is all yours.

    All. Yours.

    You hear a little hallelujah chorus, and that chorus grows into full-on thank you, Jesus, worship.

    There’s been only one thing hanging in my closet that doesn’t belong there: my old wedding dress. Almost two years ago now, I pulled it out to throw it away only to discover that others were not quite ready for that step. Since then it’s just been hanging way in the back, taking up space.

    Over time we’ve talked more about the dress, and my firm belief that the girls should never wear it or even use the fabric. I’m a faith person, but I’m also a bit of a superstitious person – and if they ever decide to get married I want everything associated with their day and their union to have positive energy.

    Over time we’ve all become more comfortable with the idea of that dress not hanging in my closet for all of eternity. Over that same time I’ve become significantly more light-hearted, and laughed about the variety of things people do with their old dresses – everything from playing paintball in them to having a bonfire with them to mailing them to an ex’s office (now how funny would that be?).

    Until recently, I had every intention of simply throwing it in a dumpster. But I happened to catch a bit of a news story last week about brides who can’t afford gowns, and I was struck by their faces when they encountered dresses they never would have been able to get otherwise.

    And that made me think again about my dress, purchased from Karen Eagle on Laskin Road more than 20 years ago. A dress stored following exact instructions, and likely a dress in perfect condition.

    It seemed wrong to donate a dress that was worn on the first day of a marriage that was filled with lies and ended in complete disaster. It seemed like some poor girl would start off her marriage by wearing a dress that had really bad juju, and her marriage would subsequently be destined for disaster.

    And yet, what if a dress is just a dress? What if it’s just fabric, and the energy associated with it has nothing to do with its history? What if something good came from it? What if God could make something beautiful from ashes?

    My late night musings became a prayer over the dress. A prayer for the next girl who will wear it. A prayer specifically for her marriage.

    • May you decide each day to choose happy.
    • May your partner actually be your partner, with the same values and focus on family.
    • May you both keep and honor your vows, to God and one another.
    • May every I love you that you speak and hear be heartfelt and full of truth.
    • May you know deep in your heart that you are not a person in relation to someone else – you are whole and beloved and perfect all on your own, and in marriage you’re a whole person alongside another whole person.
    • May all the dreams that are good for you come true.
    • May God save you from dreams and hopes that you don’t know aren’t right for you. And then may you have the wisdom and courage to not chase that which God has saved you from.
    • When dark days come, and they inevitably will, may you and your partner always look to the Light together.
    • May your marriage last until death do you part.

    This morning on the way to work, I stopped at Goodwill and I laughed with the young man at the center about whether or not I should take the tax deduction receipt. It felt really, really good to make that donation, to get rid of that baggage, and to free up that space in my closet and in my spirit. And yet just a few minutes up the road I started to have second thoughts about whether or not a prayer for some unknown girl unknowingly wearing my cursed dress will really make everything work out okay for her.

    I know God has to be so tired of me asking for signs. I am the worst kid, always demanding: show me a sign, I just need a sign. How do I know this was the right thing?! Was this the wrong thing?

    And then I looked up as the traffic light turned green and noticed the car in front of me. It’s license tag, my sign: G Is Good.

    God is good.

    God is good, so I can trust that the girl who ends up with that dress will be just fine.

    She might be a young bride; she might be an old bride. She might be a formal wedding bride; she might be a JOP bride. She might be a first-time bride; she might be a second-time bride. Or she might just be a girl who needs a Halloween costume – and that’s a pretty fitting ending in this case, too.

    To whoever ends up with the dress, may blessings chase you down.

  • Cannot. Stop. Laughing.

    Priss is defined as a “spoiled or uptight person who thinks they are too good for everyone or everything.”

    Urban Dictionary also has several definitions, including my personal favorite, “superficial plastic wanna be princess.”

    Sometimes I laugh at really dumb things. Sometimes I laugh at really mean things. Sometimes I laugh at really ironic things.

  • Forty-Six

    Forty-Six

    When I was younger I used to wonder what life would be like when I was 20 and then 30 and then 40. Although not as often because life is just a little too chaotic, I still sometimes daydream about what life will be like 10 years from now and 20 years from now. I think once you have children, and your life is no longer about just you, it’s almost hard to imagine too far forward because so much of your life is wrapped up in who and where they are going to be. So I just imagine things like one day I’ll live in the Cosmopolitan and I’ll be able to walk somewhere after work to have sushi and a glass of wine and I’ll never again think about lawn service options or how to remove goldfish crumbs from the tiny crevices around my seatbelt buckles.

    Younger me was so very wrong about forty-something life that I’m guessing I will adopt children at 60 and restart the process of battling with little humans about why we must bathe regularly. Not only did younger me not imagine having children, she did not understand that aging is more about growing in understanding and empathy than it is about wrinkles and falling asleep in a recliner. She also did not realize that as you age, your vision and definition of what constitutes an old person is updated – when you’re 25, 50 seems old but when you’re 46, 50 seems not old at all.

    But the biggest things young and silly me didn’t expect are probably these three truths:

    • Life is significantly better when you’re past the selfish years of youth.
    • You don’t really even begin living until you can just embrace who you are and relinquish your cares about how you look and what others think.
    • Absolutely every feeling pales in comparison to the ones you experience in a moment of realization that prayers were answered.

    Forty-six. That’s how young I am now. That’s how old I am now. That’s my current age.

    I’m a week away from owning my own home. Just me. All by myself. Only money I earn paying the mortgage each month. Only my name on the title and deed. For a long time it’s just been me making the mortgage, but behind the scenes two names were on all the paperwork. No more. And IT. FEELS. AWESOME.

    I may look tired some mornings, but I am likely feeling invigorated. I regularly fall asleep in the middle of Anderson Cooper, but then wake up in the middle of the night and sit down to research or read or write. It’s solely my job to set goals, to get myself motivated, and to put in the effort. Only I am responsible for goals and dreams accomplished, or goals and dreams daily back-burnered for another day. So it’s OK if I look tired, because I am getting stuff done.

    I no longer think twice about how I look in a bathing suit. I have scars. I’m not a tan person. If my thighs or arms look like I had donuts after dinner, it’s probably because I did – because I long ago realized that Kate Moss was wrong and warm Krispy Kremes taste better than skinny feels. This body grew and fed little people. It’s survived some serious trauma. It doesn’t need to change in any way, or look like it’s 25. It’s not 25 any more. Our bodies should tell the stories of our experience, not of our insecurities. And I will play with my girls on the beach because it’s fun and because I need to show them that the only thing that matters about their bodies is what their bodies can help them accomplish while they’re on this earth.

    I have sand in my car and drive it around for weeks that way. I have stuff sitting on counters, without a real place to go, until finally the counter becomes the home for the stuff. I host last-minute sleepovers and the kids are all OK even though bedroom floors have baskets of clothes sitting on them and we eat takeout and cereal.

    Basically, I am a recovering OCD-er.

    Many of the things I used to consider important are now not important at all, while things never even in my frame of reference at 25 are of the utmost importance now. I am keenly aware of the relative small amount of time that makes up the childhood years of the two young ladies who call me Mommy. I have so little time, really, to provide them with a home and a foundation that’s peaceful and happy and grounding and safe and fun. This is actually their time, not mine. So perhaps the biggest difference in what I imagined and what is actually forty-six is that my days are not about doing and watching and experiencing and accomplishing things that are about me. What makes me happy is so much simpler than I ever imagined – it’s simply hearing them laugh and seeing them happy.

  • Healthy Relationships

    Healthy Relationships

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who is focused on winning.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t as focused on giving as they are on taking.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone you can’t trust.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t healthy.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who tell the truth.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who are both faithful.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who are committed to the same values and principles.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who celebrate each other.

    You can’t parent in a healthy way if you are your top priority.

    You can’t parent in a healthy way if your decisions about everything in your life aren’t with your children in mind.

    You can’t parent in a healthy way if you rely on others to do the hard work and have the hard conversations.

    You can’t parent in a healthy way if your children can’t respect you.

    Healthy parents aren’t friends to their children.

    Healthy parents acknowledge when their children need help, and then secure it.

    Healthy parents don’t put conditions on their love.

    Healthy parents take seriously their responsibility to set a good example.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who is not accountable.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who is not finished with their prior relationship.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who is not committed to seeing the best in themself and you.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t healthy.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who can respect each other.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who share responsibilities and burdens.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who can rely on each other.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who celebrate each other.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who doesn’t like themself.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who is driven by jealousy.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who won’t help themself.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t healthy.

    Healthy relationships are between two people committed to compromise.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who are each proud of the other.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who commit to forgive instead of holding a grudge.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who celebrate each other.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who is not committed to growth – yours and theirs.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who hides.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who wants you to do more for them than they are willing to do for themself.

    You can’t negotiate a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t healthy.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who value the feedback and opinions of each other.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who can be their true and whole self with each other.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who don’t put conditions on their love.

    Healthy relationships are between two people who celebrate each other.

  • Behavior and Faith

    There’s a word for someone who claims to be a Christian but who hurts others on purpose and then acts like things will be ok.

    There’s a word for someone who claims to be a Christian but who hurts others and then says they are praying for them.

    There’s a word for someone who claims to be a Christian but who hurts others and then attempts to encourage others not to lose hope.

    The word is abuser. A person who does this is an abuser. A person who has the ability to stop hurting you but doesn’t is an abuser. And someone who behaves this way and claims to be a person of faith is a liar. People of faith do not purposely hurt others and then pray for them and then hurt them more.

    Abuse is not always physical. Sometimes it’s a selfish and insecure adult making choices that hurt others emotionally.

    People of faith fall short, they recognize it, they apologize, and then they do everything they can to behave differently. They do not willfully sin day in and day out thinking they can seek forgiveness or expecting to rely on grace.

    None of us is ever beyond forgiveness. But there’s a difference between someone who chooses to hurt and someone who accidentally hurts. There’s a difference between sorry spoken with words and sorry spoken with action. There’s a difference between someone who claims faith and someone who lives faith.

    Sometimes I think the thing that most makes people reject Christianity is the perversion of “Christianity” that “Christians” show the world. We can’t live in a way incongruous with the tenets of Christ and think our faith is believable. Much more than we realize, people see all of us for who and what we are, and they do one or more of three things: laugh at the obvious showmanship, feel sorry for someone so pathetically misguided, or get angry or disgusted with the misrepresentation of faith.

    People of faith aren’t perfect. They aren’t people who never fail. In fact, they fail a lot. The distinction is that they are people who are constantly and earnestly trying to do better.