Tag: faith

  • WWJD? He’d Nap.

    Have you ever sat in a car or house while it’s pouring rain and looked across the street at dry ground?

    Rains and storms both fascinate me and frighten me. I think it’s odd that people freak out because we live in an area subject to hurricanes but they think nothing of living in an area subject to tornadoes. Both are relatively unlikely to happen to any one person, but every single time I’ll place my bets on surviving a storm I know is coming.

    Sometimes we can see storms coming straight at us. Sometimes we see a storm and we can avoid it. But mostly it seems like storms surprise us – it’s sunny and we’re enjoying a party, but suddenly we hear a crack of thunder and the rain starts pouring.

    Sometimes storms pass quickly and sometimes they linger. Sometimes they’re loud and intense and we become frightened, and sometimes they’re a lazy rain for a few days and we get a little cabin fever.

    Sometimes storms cause a flight delay and we’re angry and frustrated, but we get to vacation-land soon enough and forget all about it. Sometimes storms cut power for months and we have to fight for our lives and fight not to despair.

    The thing about rains and storms that we must always remember – or rather, that I must always remember – is that they have a beginning *and* they have an ending. I get hung up on looking back at every little detail to try and see where a storm began. I want to understand what signs I missed, what exactly happened, if there was a way I could have prevented it or avoided it, who or what is to blame for it…

    If I deserved it.

    I think deep down I am wired for Old Testament Christianity. Wrath and vengeance and punishment. My go-to reasoning is that every storm must somehow be caused by my disobedience or my sin or my lack of faith. I have to constantly remind myself that there’s a New Testament and a Jesus, and He’s pretty calmly and clearly explained that we live in a world that’s not perfect with people that aren’t perfect and that sometimes we will encounter storms.

    And He even showed us how to weather storms – He was on a boat with a bunch of guys and He settled in for a little faith-filled napping. Now I am not into thunder and lightening, but I am all about napping. I don’t get to nap as often as I used to, but I absolutely love napping. I cherish it. And I seriously love rainy days where I can nap under a heated blanket with a good book. And so in a storm I have to remind myself that one my favorite pastimes is also the way Jesus showed me to weather a storm.

    All of my looking back and reasoning is not necessarily the best use of my energy. It steals my ability to nap. Sometimes you just need to outsource to a meteorologist to figure out what caused the storm while you go about the most important and most urgent work of cleaning up the debris left by the storm.

    Clean up debris. Nap. Clean up. Nap. Clean. Nap. Clean. Nap.

    Sometimes when I’m cleaning, I’ll look across the street where there is no rain. I’m jealous. Why is there only rain on this side? Why isn’t it raining at her house? I’d love to tell you I am a person who takes the high road, but Old Testament Beth has a deep need for vengeance. But more importantly for this topic, Old Testament Beth also has a deep need for understanding the why.

    The truth is: rain happens.

    Rain happens everywhere. When I look across the street and don’t see it raining, I can look with tired eyes and anxiously wonder why. Or I can look with eyes that have napped and are rested, and see God’s reminder that rain has a beginning *and an end.*

    That’s a blessed assurance…

    Watching and waiting

    Looking above

    Filled with His goodness

    Lost in His love

    This is my story

    This is my song

  • Spring Is Coming, Brave Girl

    It is late winter right now. Not early winter. Not mid winter. Late winter. That part of winter where you start thinking that every frost could be the last one and you start thinking about planting things because spring is so close you can feel it in the afternoon air.

    It’s currently 92 degrees as the sun sets on the last day of June in 2018. It was a sticky bra and limp hair kind of day. But in my head, which is where I spend a lot of my time right now, the end of winter is approaching. I am eight months into separation and probably five months from divorce. It’s felt like winter since October.

    I chose this wordpress theme because the visual is perfect for me right now. I am redecorating my house so that it feels different and home-y and more like me, as opposed to the old version of this house which was decorated for me + someone. The theme is farmhouse meets country meets antiques – I suck at decorating and yet I like how it’s all coming together. Barn wood and old books and even a pickle crock. The trees in this theme are winter trees, but the sky is blue and there’s no snow on the ground and the sunset is blanketing a grassy field with color. This picture says Spring is coming. It’s not here yet, but you are certain it’s coming.

    That’s where I am right now. I am at the end of winter right on the cusp of Spring. I am feeling more like me. I am getting more accomplished outside of just surviving. I find the funny again. I genuinely laugh out loud on a regular basis. I enjoy all my favorite things again – reading and binge-watching TV and shopping and family outings and Amy Schumer and Pinterest and shoes and political tees. Darkness still creeps up on me sometimes, but it’s happening less and less often now. I’m back to driving with the windows down and the music turned up.

    My life is not at all what I expected. And yet I am still the same. I am Beth. I am Ella’s Mom and I am Audrey’s Mom. I value faith, family and people above all else. I love my job. I love the people in my life. I believe in service and giving and community. While I have never not known and loved Jesus, I am not yet at a place where I am always filled with faith. I am a mixture of faith and planner. By that I mean I have always been able to visualize my future – and so while I thought I had faith, the truth was that my “faith” was closely tied to my being firmly planted and thinking everything was under control and on schedule and according to plan. Until October. Until winter. Now my future is not at all what I thought it was going to be and I don’t have everything all figured out.

    I’ve been surviving winter, but I’m more than surviving now. Spring is coming. And it’s an opportunity for me to really be brave. I’ve been building up to it. I am not a wimp and yet I am not yet brave. I’m a Brave Girl Wannabe.

    Ella and Audrey and Brave