Brave, Anyway

Tag: momlife

  • Help Me Understand

    Help Me Understand

    I cannot stop thinking about my favorite Christmas present. My girls reached out to a number of special women in my life who all wrote letters to me. Women I am ridiculously immensely proud of, and thankful to have in my life. The messages are so moving I haven’t even been able to read them all yet.

    They are also so impossible I haven’t been able to read them yet. I know I am good at some things, and I am pretty aware of what they are. But at the same time I persistently feel like I’ve not done enough or that I’ve missed something. The curse of perfectionism, I guess. Or maybe it’s first child problems.

    Since I opened the collection, I have prayed about our purposes in each other’s lives and I’ve wondered if I am worthy of their comments. I also asked God to help me see myself as they see me and in doing so, said the words help me understand.

    And then I laughed out loud and I think God must have, too.

    Help me understand is my go-to line when something goes awry.

    More specifically, it’s for when something goes awry and I cannot shout the things in my head like why, why, why would you do that? or seriously, why can’t you get this? It’s my very appropriate way of getting someone to walk me through their thought process while I work hard to fix my face. It’s also for when I call BS at the “news” on screen, when someone’s “logic” is based on feelings, or when someone or something does not behave as expected.

    Help me understand…why I do not understand.

    Maybe the root of what I need help understanding is what I am supposed to be when I’m a grownup. Which is silly because I am 51 years old. I am a grownup. I have a grownup job and grownup responsibilities. But in so many ways I still feel like a kid. And I think I have secretly believed that if I do a good job on the way to being a grownup, then someday I will be able to really make a difference or do something great when I get there – while at the same time perpetually thinking I’ve not been good enough to get to grownup yet.

    But this morning I was reminded of who I am when I read the entry in Max Lucado’s God is With You Every Day and then when an old Francesca Battistelli song came up in iTunes.

    God’s child. Redeemed. Forgiven. Complete. God’s coworker. And His workmanship.

    Spent today in a conversation, in the mirror face to face with, somebody less than perfect, I wouldn’t choose me first…True to who You are, You saw my heart and made something out of nothing.

    The key to believing the words in the letters is remembering who I am and whose I am.

    Help Me Understand…

    Three girls hanging out at home for a week create even more laundry than 3 girls on vacation for a week.

    The Cybertruck is the most hideous vehicle I’ve ever seen and the cheap ones cost at least $100K.

    If I establish the child (teen) settings on a streaming service, the child can’t watch Young Sheldon. If I turn off the settings, the child can watch Bridgerton. Help me understand why there is not a setting somewhere between Trolls and Sex in the City. And why is it that when I turn the child settings back on, Prison Break is now allowed?

    If we’re going to label someone the “Christian values” President, how is it not the one who taught Sunday School and was married to the same woman for over 75 years?

    My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius makes me start laughing way before I see Jeff. Every single time. And I don’t even have a dog.

  • Purposes

    Purposes

    Only two months remaining in the year of purpose. At the beginning of this year, I was a little worried to focus on a word. While I hoped that I might have some sort of epiphany about my place on the planet, I also wondered if I should set careful expectations given how the year of freedom went.

    What I think about purpose has changed this year. Specifically three things.

    1. If we spend all our time focused on one big thing, like a job or something we might do, we risk spending months or even years thinking we don’t have a purpose or we’ve missed our purpose.

    2. We have an opportunity to live with purpose every day. If we waste time and energy on seeking one big thing, we’ll miss thousands of chances to make a difference in our world.

    3. Time and healing are the key ingredients to understanding the purpose of things, people and events in our lives.

    When something crappy inevitably happens, we can spend a lot of time caught up in whys. Or even what is the purpose of this? I think the better question to focus on is what is my purpose in this? Is it to take action, learn, pray, listen, bring peace, raise hell, set an example?

    Our purpose is not about one thing. It’s a thousand things in a thousand moments. We can have totally different purposes in moments 30 minutes apart. And our purpose in one season can change for the next season. My overarching purpose in the last decade has been to provide stability and a firm foundation for the girls, but as they are getting older now I can see that this purpose is winding down.

    I am excited about a new season where I might have a little space for things I’ve always loved or been interested in – to explore what my purpose might be in them and to explore what purpose they might have in me. Things like getting more involved in the community, advocacy, and working the polls on election days.

    However, as I am firmly middle-aged entering this next phase, purposes will now need to be between 6:30 am and 9 pm. I cannot even fake being at my best at midnight.

    A year or so ago I watched a sermon by Dharius Daniels and he said something I knew was for later and saved in a note on my phone: Your uniqueness will feel like awkwardness until you get to a season where God shows you its relevance. Another way to think about that might be your uniqueness will feel like awkwardness until you get to a season where God shows you its purpose. What if the things we sometimes think make us strange are the things we need to lean into so we can really fulfill our purpose(s)?

    Life changes. Purposes change. With each purpose fulfilled, our happiness grows and the puzzle that we are gets closer to finished, or whole. And suddenly one day in the middle of a purpose the person always staring back at us on Zoom is stronger, wiser, and braver.

    Sometimes I wonder if Zoom is my purpose.
  • Summer Summer Summer Time

    Summer Summer Summer Time

    I needed a little summer. Sleeping in later because no one has to be at school. Noses with freckles. BLTs with fresh tomatoes and dripping Miracle Whip.

    Except I hate the hot. I love all places with AC and fans and iced green tea. Middle aged women need the chill of fall evenings 24/7, every day of the year.

    Henry was so happy to have Ella home. While he loves anyone and everyone who will feed him, Ella is his favorite person. Also, a 19 pound cat is not an overweight cat – it’s a cat living his best life.

    Henry Fonda loves Ella Hope

    I loved the Olympics. The stories of resilience and sacrifice. I’m a softie old Mom now so I wanted every kid from every country to win. I cheered loudly at the TV when they did. I also shed a few tears when they didn’t. Nothing on The Hallmark Channel makes me cry. Everything about the Olympics makes me cry.

    The only thing funnier than Snoop Dog commentary at the Olympics is Snoop narrating Planet Earth videos.

    Audrey’s summer look was very similar to her winter look: side eye with a Starbucks pink drink in her hand. I threw out my strict rule about bikinis at 13 because I love watching her walk with confidence into the water park, completely uncaring of the scar on her abdomen.

    Pink Pink Pink Everything

    I think I finished filling an old but refinished toolbox for my family room – a box of tools that have helped me adapt, gave me guidance, or enabled me to fix things over the years. It has pieces from family near and far, from earth to heaven, that will always guide me with the hard work.

    The teddy bear has my Dad’s voice in it saying God Bless You while the locket was worn by my Mama when my Papa was fighting somewhere in Europe during WWII.

    It’s been over a year since the girls lost their Dad. They’d hoped to get the Dad gifts they’d given him over the years, maybe the disc golf disks they dyed with him, a couple of sweatshirts. Nope. Apparently some kinds of grief are so intense that it leads to redecorating instead of getting children a shirt that smells like their Dad.

    I stopped watching news. I still read news every day from a variety of sources to make sure there’s balance, but I will no longer click on stories about candidates for any office. This election is basically a repeat of the last one, and I’m not sure why we’re all behaving as if people are going to make different choices. Not filling my brain with “news” has done wonders for my hope and faith in humanity.

    VCU’s School of Nursing had 140 slots this year, and Ella was offered one. Watching your child find the thing that makes them happy, work toward that goal, and then achieve a huge step toward that goal is a whole new level of joy. At the same time, her anatomy final taught me never to seek her advice about any shoulder injuries.

    Ella got into the School of Nursing!

    This summer we saw anxiety then healing. Sadness then happiness. Chaos then rest. Faith then miracles. I shed no tears when I left Ella at VCU yesterday. In fact, my smile was so big. I walked away thanking God for who she’s becoming and for all of our progress and blessings. We all needed the healing of this summer and now we are stepping into the glory He promised.

  • Crankypants Notes

    Crankypants Notes

    Hurry up and wait is the current story of my life. Rush to get into the parent pickup line, then wait while teens saunter to cars filled with other rushing parents. Rush to the airport, then wait because the plane isn’t even there yet.

    I generally make notes while I wait, and the tone of those messages is greatly impacted by the music choice I’ve made that day. Hollow Coves and worship music produce calm and thoughtful words, while The Beastie Boys might lead to firm or cynical words.

    My notes usually go somewhere later – logged in a contact management system, pasted into a journal, or sent in an email. But occasionally I open my notes and find that my screen is full of oddball entries that had nowhere to go. They are just mini-rants from days I did not choose peace, or my crankypants notes.

    Emus are supposedly docile. Except the females.
    They are the queens of crankypants.

    1. My box of Raisinettes has never made it through the previews. Also, $5 for a box of Raisinettes is highway robbery, so I will continue to buy movie candy at Target and sneak it into the theater.

    2. The time for living my best life is half over. I will waste none of it eating asparagus or honeydew, wearing a bra that’s uncomfortable, or drinking cheap wine.

    3. When you’re young, bras can be cute or sexy. When you’re old, bras have a job to do.

    4. Top 3 things that are not going to work for me: places without AC, anything starting after 8 pm, and people who don’t choose my girls or put my girls first.

    5. In a presentation about growth optimization, I will spend a dumb amount of time thinking that I missed the opportunity to establish evenly distributed growth of menopause pounds.

    6. Value propositions aren’t just important at work, when reviewing contracts and partnerships. We need to fully understand what we and others bring to the table. And then not waste time.

    7 Pruning is a critical component of growth.

    Your 15 minutes are up.

    8. Grief photos don’t include makeup; those are called sadfishing photos.

    9. If it takes alcohol for you to get up and dance, just don’t dance. It’s not good.

    10. If someone who deals with criminals tells you “(person) has done some of the shadiest shit I’ve ever seen,” what level of shady even is that? It turns out there’s a name for it: white collar shady. Won’t the real shady please stand up?

    Emus are one of the dumbest birds on the planet. I guess the message in that is time spent being a crankypants is when we’re at our dumbest.

    Hangry Emu
  • Purposefully Seeking Purpose

    Purposefully Seeking Purpose

    My word for this year is purpose.

    I’m not attached to it, and unlike other years I’ve not spent a lot of time thinking about it. It doesn’t feel right and I just don’t love it. In fact, whenever I hear or encounter it I move to focus on something else. Maybe I simply haven’t been ready for it.

    Much of the last year has felt like a trip through the car wash, gear in neutral, with all sorts of things happening around me. But now I’m driving out, rolling down windows, tentatively driving into warm sunshine after a pressure wash.

    I can focus on things that used to be painful, and I am no longer afraid to let my mind wander. So I found myself annoyed this week when I couldn’t get a song that I haven’t heard anytime recently out of my head: The Byrds singing Turn Turn Turn is just awful.

    To everything, turn turn turn, there is a season, turn turn turn…turn it off! And for the first time I realized that to everything there is a season is a biblical thing and I went searching for it. And to my surprise, the word purpose is also there.

    KJV Ecclesiastes 3 says “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.”

    We have a purpose. Each of us. Figuring out our purpose can be a daunting thing, and I think a lot of us never do it. What’s equally important I’m starting to think, and perhaps not always as big to tackle, is looking for and seeing the purpose of events and seasons in our lives. What is our purpose in them? What is their purpose in us?

    Proud VCU Momma!

    There are visuals all around me marking the passing of seasons, and the passing of purposes. The bracelet around my gear shift tells the story of a college Mom now, after so many years highlighting childhood cancer awareness. The walls in the room over the garage tell the story of a toddler playroom then paint projects then pajama parties then PlayStation competitions – the seasons of childhood and the seasons of motherhood.

    But now a new season is approaching, and with it a new purpose. Maybe it’s been there all along, and I’m just now approaching it. Or maybe it’s been pursuing me and I’ve been running from it.

    My first lesson in purpose in this season is that I have to purposefully seek purpose. (And I’ve already lost the first quarter – yikes!) My second lesson is that it sometimes takes a new season to reveal the purpose of events or people or things in your past ones. For things to come together. To fulfill the promise in Romans 8 that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

    One Dad’s Bible at another Dad’s desk.

    Thankful for nudges, crappy songs, old bibles with new lessons, old desks made new and glorious, and old me made new.