I’ve sat down to write so many times in the last three months, but each time I get up and walk away because I simply have no words.
It’s not disappointing. It’s not frustrating. It simply is.
Each time I wonder what it says that I don’t even care that the words are all gone. And each time I smile as I’m reminded of a trip to the Hallmark store a few years ago. I needed a condolence card and the first one I picked up said only “There are no words.” I can have no words all on my own and for free – the whole point of Hallmark is they are supposed to have the words.
I do still have words for Words With Friends. Name and profile picture removed to protect the one with the high streak of two.
Things that I have always been passionate about do not matter right now. What’s happening in Israel and Gaza, elections, legislation, court decisions, health care. My current world is small, focused just on family as we navigate loss and change. My current job is big, getting us all through this season of loss and change.
I am task after task after task. Trying to predict and prepare for what others will need, trying to appropriately respond as very different people grieve very differently, and often afraid to really think about what I think about it all because I cannot risk a dam breach right now.
Sometimes I don’t even have words when I pray. So I simply sit and remind myself that in Romans, God says that when we don’t know what to pray the Spirit knows and He takes care of it. And then I hope that my cavalier attitude about not having words is not frustrating to God.
The path forward is pretty clear most days. And I even wonder how that is, and if that’s okay, and what that really means or says about me. Am I able to move forward and get stuff done because I care(d) less than others? Am I just more experienced at compartmentalizing? Am I a biblical Martha who just always focuses too much on the tasks? Is a massive dam breach coming? Is it today? There is no end to what I can overthink.
And yet, I know that everything is and will be okay. I was reminded of it this weekend when one of my favorite worship songs came up in the shuffle. Tauren Wells singing Echo always gives me a boost, but the words hit different (Taylor Swift!) this time. Your love is holding on and it won’t let go.
When I don’t have words or peace or answers or prayers, I sometimes wonder if God is far away or busy or that I’ve done something really wrong or that I don’t have enough faith. None of those things is true. I may not be doing a good job of holding on to Him, but He’s still doing His part of holding on to me.
Our household love language is constantly trading memes and reels.
If you remember anything about Robert Frost from your high school CliffsNotes, it’s likely some version of “the best way out is always through.” Maybe that’s true sometimes, but other times I think the way out may be to go back or even to be still. What I’ve come to believe is more true, particularly in navigating grief, is that the way through is forward.
Forward.
One step at a time. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot.
The morning after my Dad died, I received a very clear message that the timing was on purpose. Tough days were ahead for my girls, and how I behaved would be what they looked to and what they remembered later. I needed to show them how to live and how to grieve – specifically how to do both at the same time.
In the last 10 weeks, my girls have lost both their grandpas and their Dad. They’ve watched me cry and they’ve watched me laugh. They’ve watched me watch the same old episodes of Criminal Minds repeatedly, they’ve watched me do the crappy paperwork that comes with notifying companies that someone has passed away, and they’ve watched me excitedly buy all the shirts we even remotely liked at the VCU bookstore. They’ve watched me in funeral homes, shopping malls, church, the hospital, prom dress boutiques, long car rides late at night, and even doing my own yard work which they know I hate. They’ve watched me very purposely put time into projects where we could all see the progress and then the completion, and they’ve watched me take steps to plan things we can look forward to later in the summer and year. They have heard me pray for healing, peace, and knowledge of God’s presence in their lives and in the lives of people that I didn’t pray for for a very long time. And I am just not sure it was enough. Or that I showed them good balance in terms of moments of sadness and Easter basket hunting.
I’ve been thinking a lot in the last few weeks about the word forward and how it relates to grief. What propels us forward, what stops us from moving forward, how best to move forward. Especially when life is unfair, or things are unfinished or unresolved. How will I help the girls move forward? What can I say? What can I do? How can I show them the way?
I think maybe the key to forward is found in 3 other f words. (None of which is that f word.)
Forgiveness. Forgive that they left, and believe they didn’t want to. Forgive yourself for relief they are not in pain anymore. Forgive them for old wounds you’ve been hanging on to. Forgive yourself for having mixed feelings about these people you grieve and love. Forgive that they weren’t perfect and forgive that you aren’t perfect.
When at first I will not listen, God will send a message through Words With Friends. Because I am stubborn.
Freedom. We must give each other and ourselves freedom to grieve anywhere, freedom to grieve differently, and freedom from any timeline. We must also acknowledge that someone’s death brings them and us freedom, and that’s not something to feel badly about. They are free of all the yuck that comes with living in this realm and we are free to live without them here. The people who really love us, our people, delight in seeing us thrive – whether they exist here on earth or in our great cloud of witnesses.
Faith. Holding on to your faith can be especially hard in this time but is especially important in this time. People will say things like God needed another angel. They mean well, but they are just wrong. (And if I find out this happened, the fourth F is Fite and I will make it stop.) God does not make people sick and God does not need more angels. You know who God is. It is deeply ingrained in you. HE is deeply ingrained in you. He grieves with you. And He promises in Matthew that those who mourn are blessed and will be comforted. Whenever you question this, and you will, it’s remembering His faithfulness at other times in your lives and in other areas of your lives that will give you peace.
He knew death here is not forever…He wept because knowing the end of the story doesn’t mean you can’t cry at the sad parts.
I guess the simple truth – without steps and f words – is that the way forward is on a path of grace. Grace for ourselves, grace for those around us, grace for those who are gone.
I never know the right age to divulge more information to the girls. Should I just say yes because they’re going to do it in school or should I really say what I think and practice? And most importantly, will my truth result in an email from a teacher who thinks I’m the craziest parent ever when one of my girls repeats something I’ve said?
I do not understand New Year’s resolutions. Once you’re a grownup, when you realize you need to do something differently you need to do something differently. Starting right then. Combine that with the fact that we abandon 80% of resolutions within 30 days, and I think we can deduce that the vast majority of the time the vast majority of us just don’t want to do the hard work to do or be better.
I found myself admitting to Audrey that I do not make New Year’s resolutions. However, I do end each year and begin each year by reflecting on three things:
(1) What are the ways that the past year’s word were fulfilled in my life?
(2) What is my word for the coming year?
(3) Is my list still good or do I need to make changes or additions?
I have a word each year. A point of focus that I talk to God about, journal about, research, look for signs of, speak out loud, and expect to make progress in. In the past few years, my words have been things like fruit and promise and I can easily name how God showed up in my life in those years in those ways. So my words are also a way to practice and stir up my faith. Because I don’t always feel so faith-filled, and maybe more often than not am a bit of a doubting Thomas.
My word for the coming year is freedom. Among dozens of other things on the topic of freedom, the Bible says we are called to freedom and that God responds to us and sets us free. There’s also the obvious the truth shall set us free. But the one nugget I like the most (so far) is that we are not to let ourselves be burdened again or to let go of our freedom. That implies that we already have freedom – and yet I don’t feel very free in several areas of my life. Perhaps this year will bring freedom from some negative thought patterns or the expectations of others, or maybe it will bring greater freedom in my mind and heart to dream bigger or simply to be silly more. It’s only day 2 and the possibilities are endless.
And then there’s my list. The list of things that I want to be true for Ella, Audrey and I. I started it long ago in my phone and it helps center my thoughts and prayers for us – and as we all get older and the world gets bigger, new things get added to the list. The old faithfuls are that we are healthy physically and spiritually and mentally, and that we are full of hope, givers of grace, brave. As we got further into the teen and tween years I made additions like we embrace helpers and help, we enjoy school and work, we are safe and trustworthy friends, and we make good choices. And now this year, as Ella in particular has big decisions coming up, that we seek God’s plan for us, that we are not enticed by distractions, that we are honest with ourselves.
I do have two constant resolutions: to put my girls first in all things and to be the best Mom I can be. On days when the house is tense because we’re all arguing about curfews or the length of shirts or how it’s OK to need help, I don’t feel like I’m doing a very good job. One of the things I need to be free of is the in-the-moment worry that their anger with me means they’ll act out or hate me. It’s on those days that the list reminds me of what’s really important and all the ways that things are going right.
Our friend Abby took this photo of us a month or so ago. It’s one of my reminders that we can go from happy to mad to playful to dessert at The Cheesecake Factory all within about a 2 hour time period.
When I was a teenager, I told a small group of girls a secret that ended up getting out. At the time it was earth-shattering because the secret was who I had a crush on. I was absolutely convinced that I knew who “told” and I was so angry at her. I came home ranting about it and my Dad said something that has always stuck with me – you don’t know it was her, and it’s probably the person you least expect.
Sometimes what we think is all wrong.
I’ve been thinking about this line all summer. At home. At work. As a mom. As a reader. As a voter. As a processor of data and information. As a girl. As a friend. As a consumer. As a Christian.
The earth is flat. Nope, turns out the earth is round.
At midnight on December 31, 1999, all computers will stop working! Wrong again, and much of the world drank champagne or slept through the big nothing that happened.
How about the beliefs (irrational fears) of southern parents in the 1980s? Kids wearing all black was a sign of something bad and hanging with the wrong crowd, maybe playing Dungeons and Dragons. Madonna, MTV and Garbage Pail Kids would all lead to sex or drugs or evil or all of the above. Our marriage to the idea that things that look and feel different are evil means we don’t easily recognize evil when it shows up wealthy and wearing a suit – presidents, justices, financiers. Or perhaps I just watched too much of the Smurfs and they made me a crazy communist.
Why are we so tied to beliefs and someone else’s talking points that we’ve never really thought about or researched ourselves, while at the same time dependent on others to make progress by constantly questioning and learning? When we or someone we love gets a diagnosis, at least in part we look to medicine – filled with curious and constantly researching people who’ve asked themselves some version of what if what I think is all wrong? over and over and over again.
Why don’t we apply our belief that constant learning is good in one area to all areas of our lives? Is it that we’re afraid to admit we were wrong? Is it that we’re afraid to upset God?
When Ella was 5-ish, she came home from Sunday School questioning the teaching. Mommy, people don’t get swallowed by whales and live. I was horrified, and I’m also pretty sure I emphatically said we should not say those kinds of things while at Sunday School. When I anxiously talked to Pastor Chuck about how to talk to her about it and what to do, he laughed and wasn’t worried at all. Another way to look at it, he said, is that Ella is always going to know exactly what she believes and why, because she is really going to think about it – and that meant she would be able to explain it to others with something better than the likes of that’s what so-and-so taught me or that’s how I was raised.
I’ve always struggled with a feeling that it’s wrong to have doubts. That it’s wrong to question. Especially as it relates to God and faith. But how can we really know what we think unless we consider all angles? How can we really know what we think unless we read the Bible for ourselves and ask ourselves what if what I think is all wrong?
The more I think about it, the more I think there is nothing to fear on that path except that we may have to admit that we were wrong at some point.
What if I am operating out of fear, and giving the girls space to make some of their own decisions is the best way for them to learn?
What would I do differently if this process had 10 people instead of 5, or if the 5 had a better computer or program?
What if the dress that I think is a little too short for Ella makes her feel great about herself and is the boost she needs during a tough week?
What in the Bible definitively tells me God cares about health care? About women preaching? About abortion? And have I read it myself along with the content surrounding it so I have context?
Maybe instead of being wary of people who have changed what they think or who aren’t sure what they think, we should be wary of the people who are afraid to question or admit they have questions. More than halfway though this life, perhaps it’s more of a red flag if someone hasn’t had an experience that changed them and how they think. We’re not supposed to never be wrong; we’re supposed to do better when we know better.
Women’s History Month along with the launch of affinity groups at my company has me thinking about what it means to be a woman at work. The word woman is uncomfortable for me, primarily because I think it designates a grown-up and I still think of myself as a girl. In a meeting full of men and women, I look around the room and my brain processes my work family as a room of boys and girls – we are all still witty and fun, after all. But I guess if I had to choose how to characterize my affinity I’d say I’m more comfortable with the word female, because it doesn’t come with any implications about maturity.
I’m sure there are many things about working that are common to all of us regardless of our gender. So what, specifically, are the things that are unique to women? I’ve had a very privileged work life, and I’m keenly aware that I have not struggled in the ways so many have – I’ve never worked multiple jobs to survive, had a boss that was abusive, or lacked the safety net and help of family close by. But what I have experienced, what I have felt, are things like these…
I cannot possibly be everything to everyone all the time, and yet I must be. Perfectionism and the desire to succeed are deeply ingrained in me and I know that’s true of many people regardless of gender – but largely I see women connect work promotion to perfection, as opposed to consistent performance. That brings me to I must show I consistently make solid decisions based on data alone, because if I make decisions based on any sort of emotion that’s a “girl” thing to do. Which is crazy because the truth is all of our best decisions are always some combination of data, collaboration, experience and gut instinct (feelings).
The thing I am most afraid to say at work is I don’t know. I don’t know does not sound like an answer a leader gives, and I don’t think it’s an answer that women can give if they want to stay in a leadership role. I logically know it’s sometimes true for everyone, but it does not feel like this is OK for me.
Although this is the face I think I make when I don’t know the answer, I’m pretty sure I just have resting Beth face and I’m not sure which is better.
I judge myself the most harshly in the area of motherhood. My children are the most important people in my life and while it feels “right” and normal that my work family would know them so they can really know me, I sometimes fear others will see that I am winging this motherhood thing and have no idea what I am doing, and maybe they’ll think that applies to my work, too.
And that brings me to if people know I have children and see the whole me and know how important my children are to me, will they think I am not “all in” at work? Or if I take time to get the girls to the doctor and orthodontist or just to see them at a fun field day, will people think my work is not a priority? One thing I have noticed, and sometimes envied, about my male colleagues is that they largely don’t give reasons when they take off work. My female colleagues almost always do, as if we are making a bit of an apology – as if reasons have a ranking and we must have an “acceptable” reason to take the time we’ve earned.
If I felt like someone actively wanted me to fail, it was always another female. There are women who want all other women to succeed, even if they don’t particularly like a person, and there’s a kind of collaboration that happens with those women – I think because of an understanding that we can all grow and achieve more if more of us succeed. And then there are women who are so competitive or who so seek the attention of men that it feels like the progress made by the former group is diminished by the latter group, who behave in such stereotypical ways.
In order to get my point across I guess I am going to have to interrupt and repeat myself. However, if I do that will people see me as aggressive and/or bitchy? Maybe they will. Maybe I *am* sometimes aggressive and bitchy. (Actually no maybe there, I am.)
“I don’t know if that made sense,” said the smart woman who just made perfect sense.
I came across this tweet recently and it really convicted me. I am supposed to be a leader and an example, and I realized that I regularly use this line when I am uncertain if my idea will be well- received: “I don’t know if that made sense.” I guess it would be ok if I said that because I was feeling like maybe my idea was not logical. But I tend to say it when I am certain about what I am saying, but I think it may not go over well. Not good.
Are these sorts of feelings and thoughts even all about or unique to being female? I’m not sure. Perhaps men feel variations of them as well. Maybe the better question is why don’t we talk about this stuff more so our work environments can be places where we all feel safe to be ourselves, to be at our best?
There are so many behaviors we all have and assumptions we all make because of gender, I guess the main a-ha moment for me in this women‘s history month is that it’s not just men that have the assumptions and behaviors. People, not just women, must bring their whole self to work and be their whole self at work and embrace their whole self at work – even and especially when they have feelings like I don’t know. That means more men and women have to work hard to foster environments where everyone can do that. Where everyone can just be honest – that they are some sweet and some sour, some quiet and some loud, some smart and some clueless, some confidence and some insecurity, some strengths and some weaknesses. Perhaps the key to more successful businesses, family lives, relationships and equality in all of those arenas is environments where people feel free and confident to be themselves, so their best ideas can be spoken and acted on.
Brave, Anyway 