Brave, Anyway

Tag: momlife

  • Right-Side Up

    Right-Side Up

    I started a note in my phone a few weeks ago, on a day that I was particularly grumpy and at my max. A note of things to be thankful for, particularly in this day and in this moment and in this circumstance. I did the same thing a few years ago in the year that Audrey was not yet cancer-free, to help steer me away from negativity and nervousness, and to guide my focus toward the positives in each day.

    This morning I sat down in my yard with this handsome guy, who I’m thinking might be the father of an addition to our family, and opened up the note to add something – and I realized how long the note had gotten and for the first time reread many of the entries.

    Sometimes I hear Audrey talking to someone in her room and I get annoyed wondering who she could be talking to at such an early hour, and I start to grumble at her. And then I discover she was just bored because no one else was awake, and she’d called my Mom who she knows gets up at dawn each day. I love hearing those voices together, laughing, to begin my day.

    Audrey waits in the hallway upstairs, just outside the room where I work, for my daily 5 pm meeting to end. When it does end, she runs in and says Is it time for end-of-the-day hugs?! And she jumps into my arms and squeezes really tight.

    Ella, at midnight, stopping in my doorway to see if I’ve fallen asleep yet. Nite, Mommy. Love you. My 15-year-old still calls me Mommy, even in front of her friends.

    My sister, who I can always count on to give it to me straight, available during a moment of irritation to make me laugh by saying “slow your roll.”

    Covid keeping us home isn’t a terrible thing for a child that is a little more easily maxed out on people and noise. For the first time my child asked if I could help her remember a scripture about fear so she could say it out loud to help her focus/meditate. Many days I wonder if my kids just think I’m crazy and roll their eyes at me, and tonight was one of those times I got to see that they’re listening and it makes a difference.

    Neighbors who soothingly guide and encourage a frightened child about riding her bike. Ella patiently trying to encourage Audrey to look up at where she’s going while riding, so she’s less likely to lose her balance.

    It took a village but Audrey is riding her bike like a champ, and it’s awesome to see the growth in her confidence in the last 2 days.

    Being present to see the moment she “gets” a lesson. Being present to see the moment she finds her balance. Being present to see the moment of pride when someone loves her creation. Being present in the moment of excitement about a boy. Being present to see the moment of wonder at how a science experiment turned out. Being present to see the big smile when she got to see and hear her teacher for the first time in weeks. Being present in the moments of silliness between girls, and in the moments of laughing over stupid things with friends who are all on a group call. Thankful for presence.

    My friend of over two decades, another straight-shooter, who brought clarity to all my confusion and conflict with one sentence: “Sweep the leg of anyone that threatens (the peace of) Audrey. No mercy.”

    Time to sit and be still under my favorite tree. To listen to the soft sounds of my Dad’s bamboo wind chimes, currently in residence at my place. God’s prompt for me to look up at just the right time, to see my bald eagle soaring way above me, on the same day as my Facebook memories featured a conversation from 2 years ago about how eagles embrace the storm and adjust themselves to ride out storms.

    Thankful for Joy and joy.

    A glass of wine after a long week, sitting with my neighbor who listens and understands, and who allows me to tear up for a moment.

    What a hard and yet wonderful few weeks it has been. Everything seems like it’s been upside down, but after rereading my notes I’m starting to think that maybe it’s actually right-side up.

  • Quarantine Stream of Consciousness

    Quarantine Stream of Consciousness

    The Queen’s messages in the first month of this quarantine were the most uplifting and heartfelt of all the messages by world figures/leaders.

    Many religions have festivals which celebrate light overcoming darkness. Such occasions are often accompanied by the lighting of candles. They seem to speak to every culture, and appeal to people of all faiths, and of none. They are lit on birthday cakes and to mark family anniversaries, when we gather happily around a source of light. It unites us.

    I love that. Light unites us.

    The other thing uniting us is how ridiculous we all look in our masks. They are necessary to protect ourselves and others when we have to be out and about, and I know it is a very serious thing, but when people use bandanas as their masks I cannot even contain my grin. Every single time I see someone in a store with a bandana on their face it makes me think “bank robber!” And every single time I have to stifle the giggle inside me.

    I had to go back and double check, and I was surprised that my favorite bank robbers didn’t actually wear bandanas. I assume that’s because it would have been a crime to cover up faces that handsome.

    https://giphy.com/gifs/reaction-laughing-laugh-mcI308p0FcMjS

    It’s definitely time to watch Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid again. My most recent quarantine discovery that will come in handy for that viewing: the wine that best pairs with Krispy Kreme is pinot grigio.

    One of the ways I’m committed to being a professional and responsible adult during this time when all food and desserts are available for delivery is that I wear pants with a button 5 days a week, even though I’m working from home.

    And that brings me to I do not recommend Korean beef during a pandemic. It was something different and it was fantastic, so I ate a ton of it. But then the spiciness made me sweat, which made me think I had a fever, which sent my brain down a dark path for a bit.

    In one of those late night moments when my brain was unable to rest, I came across this gem and I keep coming back to it: Pray. Not until God hears you, but until you listen to God.

    Audrey is praying hard for a new pet and I am not sure which one of us God is listening to or which one of us is listening to God. I completely underestimated how much of an advantage the stay-at-home order gives to children trying to wear parents down about something. She initially wanted a hamster, and I won that battle by revealing their tendency to bite with very sharp teeth. But then she researched rodents/pets that might be more “docile.” Thank you, Virginia Beach City Public Schools, for encouraging a focus on vocabulary as part of distance-learning lesson plans and for the addition of that word to her vocabulary. Each day she’s reading new facts about guinea pigs and reciting them all to me, including through the door of my bathroom, and all the while she’s getting school credit for it. In summary, I’m pretty sure that I’m going to end up buying this child a guinea pig.

    There is noise all the time. Hoverboards and roller skates and televisions and iPads and lawn mowers and cats wanting to overeat and phone notifications. There is noise all the time. Someone is talking all the time. From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. And maybe even after, and I just am not aware of it. Because everyone on the planet is stuck in their house, and we are not interacting with friends and coworkers in the same way, everyone just seems to want to talk more – whether in person or on Zoom or on Facetime – and it’s exhausting. I need quiet, and my number one struggle of this time is that there is little-to-no quiet around me or inside my brain.

    This week I let my teenager stay up all night on Facetime with her gal pals because they can’t have sleepovers right now and she didn’t have schoolwork this week – and I think it’s quite possible she will remember those giggles and TikTok dances for the rest of her life. And you know what, judge-y Moms who have maintained bedtime routines, after feeding their children organic brussels sprouts? I’m not sorry. Kudos to those with a work and school schedule that’s neatly color coded on a white board in your kitchen. I fall somewhere in the middle of the human spectrum, with the regular mommas, between the girls capable of being an educator and the girls focused on their makeup and hair.

    This is the longest my hair has been since college. And it’s annoying.

    Mask made by my friend Vida at 406 Creative Vibe.

  • What is even happening right now?

    What is even happening right now?

    My internal voice keeps saying it. My external voice keeps saying it. Over and over and over again in the last couple of weeks.

    What is even happening right now?

    Daily death tolls. People need medical care and can’t get it. Countries and states on lockdown. People stranded and they can’t get home. Grocery stores with limited or empty shelves, reminiscent of the market in Gilead.

    How is this suddenly our life? No school. No office. No church. No gymnastics. No spring break plans. No roaming around TJ Maxx. No salon. No Skinny Dip. No teenagers packed in my car for basketball or football or lacrosse games.

    Now, instead, it’s work-at-home and learn-at-home and church-at-home. Cooking and SkipBo and 1500 piece jigsaw puzzles.

    How did we get here, and what is even happening right now?!

    What are people doing with all the toilet paper? I bought some TP, and instead focused on caffeine, chocolate, OJ and carbs. I don’t know what the rest of you are eating, but it’s not normal to “go” so much you need 96 rolls of Charmin during your four weeks at home.

    Then, Virginia schools are closed for the remainder of this academic year. Ohhhhhhhkay. I mean, that seems like jumping the gun a bit with only a handful of cases in our state but I can work from home so I think this will be OK.

    Then, I start receiving emails about remote learning and instructions for guiding my children through the exercises. Wait, what? I’m not an educator. Someone trained to educate needs to be responsible for that. And most importantly someone patient and relaxed. And patient. And without a full-time job. Do these guys running all the school stuff and making these decisions realize how many classes were skipped by those of us now responsible for this distance learning of the next generation?

    And then, I miss church. It’s funny how sometimes I struggle to get up on Sundays, but in the last couple of weeks when forbidden to go I am up and feeling like something big is amiss. I have watched so many sermons on Facebook recently and while the messages are good, there’s just something about being in a room full of people worshipping. With the exception of the four years I was in college when Sunday morning was primarily about recovery and the year or so after I had Audrey, I’ve said The Lord’s Prayer with a large group of people every Sunday my entire life – but I never knew how special community prayer was to me until I wasn’t able to do it in the last couple of weeks. It turns out it’s so special to me that I broke into tears during a Facebook live when I heard familiar voices saying it.

    And then the longer I’m stuck at home the more snarky my internal voice becomes. I KNOW Jesus slept on the boat during a crisis, but Jesus didn’t have to shut out the noise of a child in roller skates on hard wood floors racing to catch a cat while also shouting because she discovered someone ate the last Krispy Kreme without us all talking about who should get it.

    And then the Texas Lt. Governor said he and other grandparents are willing to risk their lives for the economy. And some people applauded him and agreed. I dare even one of those people to tell me they vote the way the do because they are pro-life. The tigress in me is ready for lunch.

    And now the President of the United States is tweeting words like “lamestream media” and talking about the virus in relation to how it effects his re-election. It just makes me want to scream NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU! Can the President be presidential just this once? Pretty please.

    What is even happening right now?

    WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?!

    Oh how I long for the What is even happening right nows of just three weeks ago, when Chipotle removed carne asada from its menu. Remember that? I do. And I’m *still* mad at you, Chipotle!

  • Go Go Go

    Go Go Go

    It was such a beautiful day today, even though I didn’t get to really see much of it. After 6 am Ancient Greece instruction for my 8-year old followed by a Food Lion run to secure TP and OJ followed by 9 meetings, I walked outside of the house – by myself – to our neighborhood circle, and just laid down in the grass.

    I didn’t care about allergies or mosquitos or wet earth on my hair and jeans or the people who walked by and tentatively asked if I was OK because they thought I was crazy. I just needed a few minutes of feeling not like a robot who must go go go.

    Go to help with school work. Go to work, even though it’s inside my house right now. Go to the market to keep the pantry stocked. Go to run errands for prescriptions and dry cleaning. Go to follow up on baths and teeth brushing. Go to prepare meals and do laundry and declutter and clean.

    Go. Go. Go.

    I already had a full schedule and now suddenly I am also not in the office where I’m organized as well as helping two children with distance learning. I am not patient or even that smart, and I don’t have any additional hours in the day.

    And in that maxed out moment today when I really wanted to give in to the desire to complain about all that’s on my plate, I reigned it in to focus on what all the GOing really means.

    I’m thankful to be able to work from home while my girls are out of school and while there’s so much uncertainty about sickness. I’m thankful all of my parents and my children are home and healthy and safe. I’m thankful to see my girls in the middle of the day and that they are always close by. I’m thankful that they share little musings and findings during the day, which is not something we normally can do. I’m thankful for made up games and pranks and dances and songs that make the girls giggle, and I’m thankful for the time to encourage culinary creativity.

    I’m thankful for technology that enables me to work remotely and that keeps us all occupied. I’m thankful for a stocked pantry. I’m thankful for my job and my work family. I’m thankful for messages and texts from friends and family near and far.

    I’m thankful for 20 minutes to myself today, to lay in the grass and feel alive and thankful again. And I’m guessing I will soon be thankful for Calamine and Benedryl. I’m thankful I take terrible selfies and can provide a source of laughter for teenagers.

    I’m thankful, thankful, thankful in all my go go go-ing.

  • Super Tuesday in Virginia

    Super Tuesday in Virginia

    We voted this morning. Taking our time, reading every name on the ballot with me whispering explanations about what I liked/disliked about each candidate and why who can win is sometimes just as important as who should win.

    Our children need to see and hear us talk about real issues, and know that we think and we research – not just that we blindly support a party or a person. Most importantly, I want Audrey to see and know that I will always vote for candidates who support her and the thousands of kids who will eventually enter adulthood with some sort of pre-existing condition.

    We talked about everything from socialism to racism to sexism, in littler words. She asked Are there people who won’t vote for a girl? Yes. And it made me sad to answer.

    But in only the way she can, Audrey summed up voting on Super Tuesday with this question/statement: So basically, though, we really don’t care as long as it’s not Trump. Yes. And, again, it made me sad to answer. It makes me sad that we have a leader I wouldn’t leave my children alone with for even 30 minutes because he’s such a poor example of humanity. I have voted red, blue, and Ross Perot, and have never felt that way until now.

    No candidate and no person is perfect, and yet I have always had this desire to really believe in the people I vote for. At the same time, it’s very often hard to find someone that doesn’t have skeletons and wasn’t at some point on the wrong side of an issue. But it’s never, ever been easier to vote for someone, anyone, as a comparison to what we have now.